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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
accepting immobility
I haven't truly relaxed in a very long time. I keep going to the beach or to the park hoping to catch a small window of time when I can be carefree but I always end up filling my mind with scenarios where I might just encounter JP or worrying about my academics. The only time when I'm truly free of these things is partially when I go running or I go lifting. I think I can obviously attribute my increasingly bad mood with my constant thoughts about JP. The pain of him withdrawing wouldn't be so great if I found something else to preoccupy myself with. It would be wonderful to stop caring about the way I feel about my love life. I think, at this point, it can only benefit me considering my bad mood only tightens its choke hold when I surround myself with this venomous situation. I guess I can safely say that, should I meet JP again, it would be by chance, like if we were to go to the same bar or another public place. Then, maybe, if I'm free and things may unfold differently. Meanwhile, I need to stop worrying about a situation that I don't intend to directly and actively change. Whether I like it or not, the fact that he drinks heavily and would use that as an excuse for his own negative behavior rather than trying to help himself (he goes to a therapist but I can only wonder whether there's really an internal drive for him to try and change his situation) I also need to focus on making lifting something that I do for myself. I need to stop comparing the speed at which I run with the speed at which he runs. I'm not there to outdo him and I certainly don't think that's doing anything for my health. If I let my body acclimate to the speed at which I'm running rather than progressing by .2 mph each week, I can probably cut out the progressively detrimental hormonal reaction that I'm getting. I've been thinking today about how I've got a conglomeration of conditions and situations in my life that make me highly susceptible to dying young (here I'm avoiding the instance that I should die because of an accident and focusing on my personal health). I think I can only benefit if I stop miring myself in such heavy things. I guess I can begin tomorrow by meditating for the benefit of not thinking about anything for a while. Hopefully I'm not awoken by a parent that wants me to go do something immediately. I'd like to wake up on my own terms. Heck, it would be wonderful if I could spend a week in bed doing nothing and thinking about nothing. I keep thinking about a "pilgrimage" away from my mind where I ignore my worries and focus on menial tasks outside of my body. I'm hungry for peace for a change. It's getting warmer outside as well. I wouldn't mind lying on the grass in front of the library, soaking up the sun. something so minimal would be welcome. I would like complete silence for that time, not hearing a single voice address me, or really any voice at all for that matter. My mind goes to all those movies about insane asylums where people are made to spend all day preoccupying themselves with either their mind or menial tasks. I can relate to that in a way. Considering how little interaction I receive from people around me on a daily basis, I can say that I am trapped in a box. My nightmares only convey that message every single time that I have them. I know that part of that trap is because I need to live with my parents and what they did to me as a kid until I'm able to pay for my own apartment but I think another part of it is the fact that I'm living in my mind. It's a spacious box that is, consequently, very lonely no matter how many things I drag in there to keep me company. My aversion in interacting with other people comes in expecting disagreements. Part of me knows that I can live the rest of my life sanely without really talking to anyone, but another part of me recognises that such a life is lonely and cold. I often want to find a way to become a pinnacle of respect and someone that other people can idolise. I remember what it used to feel like to be the center of a group of friends when I was a kid. The way that they would expect you to keep them excited and eager for each new game was intoxicating. I enjoy bringing fun to other people and I thoroughly dislike it when I fail in making someone laugh or smile. Comedy is such a big part of my coping mechanism and I like to include people in it. Just a session of pure laughter is enough to keep me content for a week. I am tired of this sadness which I feel I don't deserve so I will not accept it or own it, it is not part of me. I'll leave any chances that I ever see JP and have something flower from it to time and consequence. Meanwhile, my hands are tied in terms of what immoral things I would do to get what I want. I'd rather make AM feel happy and laugh than mope about JP. I once made JP laugh and I hope that I get to do it sometime in the future again, but to hold this venomous darkness within me will not allow me to consider living to a time that I might meet him again or a time when I will be happier through and through. I need to pick up a new hobby or preoccupy myself with other things that require my complete attention and bring me pleasure upon completion. I will, while the mood befits me, ignore love and live asexually when AM is not around.I will attempt to meditate in the morning and hopefully report positive results tomorrow. I've learned that I can't predict when I'll be in the mood to write, but we'll see what happens.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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