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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
sightings, maybe
I swear I'm seeing him everywhere when I'm on the way home every day. I think one guy has a bike very similar to him, I wonder whether another person with a similar build is actually him, or perhaps someone that I catch staring at me from a distance that's not close enough to really discern could be him. Maybe I saw him walking off the train platform, shaking his head after he saw me, thinking how pitiful I must be to change all that about myself. It's always when I'm going home though, directly from the gym. I don't see him at any other time (or I don't see what could potentially be him). If anything, most sightings are probably my brain trying to calm my emotions down so I wouldn't get so rundown after not seeing him for such a long time. I can't same I'm complaining about all the occurrences and, frankly, they are harmless considering I wouldn't act on anything that my poor eyesight might pick up because I'm never sure what I'm seeing from afar unless it's something that I've seen there before and got close enough to investigate. The most believable occurrence was when I saw him dismount his bike. It look exactly like his bike. He was pretty disheveled, one pant leg was in his boot and the other wasn't. I'd rather not guess where he was returning from because I hate thinking about the love that his girlfriend gives him because I remember that he wishes to return that love. I'd say that that's the same as him watching my relationship except I wouldn't have searched for a relationship if I really did love him like he claimed to love me. I would have respected the person that I expressed interest in me enough to feel that it is an immoral act to initiate a relationship when my heart is always with someone else. I've been feeling, lately, how awful and obsessive it would seem if I really did talk to him again, saying that I love him. I think that the only acceptable way to show it now is the nonverbal way. I can't express how I feel with words as much as I can through my actions. I might stumble through my words, but I do not falter when I want to show anyone anything in terms of what I can accomplish. Getting pleasure has become a difficulty though. It has begun to pain me, if not with AM than by myself, that I can't have him or that he isn't the one that's with me. It's kinda on the brink of coming out as visible emotion (other than stress, which I wear most days fluently) but I solidly feel that that's because of my current hormonal imbalance. I'm making another go at eating cleaner because I want to highlight my muscles as much as possible if I should run outside. It's looking good but I've still got some flab left from strictly running days. Luckily, it's being replaced with muscle and I'm reshaping my body. I'll eventually stop thinking about him so much, I know that even with the displeasure I feel over that fact. For all I know, the picture of himself that he painted for me may be tailored to reflect my interests in him. I certainly fell in love with that image, but I have considered that that image is not synonymous with him. Hopefully, the sightings continue now and again. The uncertainty is helping me suppress the potential relapse into the depression that occurred at the beginning of the semester.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
  • [04/19/18 01:15am]
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