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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
my mood is worsening. i guess i'm trying to hang in there. i've had a handful of strong desires to binge, but nothing as intense as when I was in the crux of the disorder. I was able to hold off. I keep looking at my body, evaluating, dissecting it with my eyes, seeing whether i'm muscular enough to make an impression. I'm working with 20-30lb weights and i'm still dissatisfied with the results. I'm seeing change, it's fast, but at the same time, i wish it were faster so i can symbolize that i can't be struck down so easily. It's a little tough, i'm getting this metallic taste in my mouth and metallic feel up my nose when i first start out running. I was confused the first time, I thought that i got a nose bleed but nothing trickled out of my nose. Today wasn't that bad although i got a weird tightening in my skull when i first started out. that went away quickly. I guess it's my hormones playing tricks and I'm just happy that they're not messing with my heart's ability to handle the way I'm pressing for greater speed. It's nice and quiet in my life but it's really loud in my head. The way JP stepped out completely from my life, no matter where I try to detect his presence is overwhelming. It sets me back on coping with his initial departure. I've got to have some self-respect though. If I had an inch less, I would have disregarded my morals and left for JP regardless that AM has done nothing abysmally wrong to me to incur such a response. I would also have already gone to JP's apartment or tried to contact him again with my pitiful message that, even now, I can't forget him. I remind myself that I told him that getting over him would take at least two years and that way I convince myself that, even if I did contact him, I would not share anything profoundly situation changing. I doubt even telling him of my love for him would do much. He may as well be at peace even though I'm struggling. I just know that I can't accept another depression now because I'm trying to reverse the damage caused by the first one at the beginning of the semester. As long as I keep my spirits up, I can largely erase the black mark that it left, but I can't succumb to another depression. I find myself flirting with it a lot. I'd sit outside on warm days trying to catch a glimpse of him although I know I will not and even if he did wander up, he'd walk around so I wouldn't see him. I'd leave a way for him to avoid being seen because I can't ignore the fact that I'm there and wondering about someone that is not my boyfriend. I've been on the pier on the beach too, where I'd be even less likely to encounter him. I've looked down at the water, at the sand kicked up by the waves, and I'd desire to jump in but at the same time, I know that, if I did, I'd only want to get out again because that is not the solution that I want. It's as simple as being delusionally positive. One thought that makes me happy is the idea that I might run with a vest with microspeakers. My mind desires that I do that to communicate to him that things aren't the same and they haven't changed since he left but I know that, if I do it, I'd be stuck with the fact that he said i'd tear myself away from being so negative if I really had control over my actions to make him stop hurting. so I'll be burdened by my pain that I can't have him but playing happy songs to show that I've got control. It makes no sense to me, I just want to "mourn" without consequences. I want to finally cry and get that over with. I still can't cry even though I've got fertile ground for that. I think it would make me feel so much better. I'll probably give positive or neutral news next post because it'll bring my mood back up and avoid dragging anyone else's down.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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