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For my Mother
------You wanna know the reason why I stopped caring? I stopped caring when I finally got tired of running into the battlefield, physically trying to hold you back to stop attacking papa. Sometimes you were so mad, that you'd dig your nails right on my back and I would bleed. I would jump in there because I loved you both and all I ever wanted was the fighting to stop. You'd always tell me to stay out, that its not my problem. Tada!, you got what you want. I stopped caring when you would get mad at papa, and get mad at me just because you didn't know how to control your anger and I HATED THAT. I stopped caring when despite the fact, that I was there for you all the time, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry with you; you never noticed the works that I did to you. I gave you my ears a long time ago when I'd listen to your problems about your marriage, your regrets. I already heard your story its sickening.

------In fact, your perception of my apathetic nature its quite the opposite really. In fact that I do care, I care for a lot of people, my readers, my friends, and the people who were ACTUALLY THERE FOR ME EMOTIONALLY. I'm so tired of your drama really. When I was graduating high school, you sh*tted out so much negativity it made me want to run away, and live homeless in the streets because the only feeling I ever f*cking from you was that I'm a "failure". I wanted to commit suicide by jumping into the Hudson river which was behind MLK, because I know I can't swim and I know the sensation of drowning. In fact I hate people who don't care, just for the sake of not caring. I was like that, I was in that point in time asking myself, why do I even care about living life anymore.

------In fact, its ironic because throughout middle school and high school I was the one helping you physically with all the work. And guess who wasn't there helping you all the time. Yeah that's right, its my sister. And your reason why is that she's doing schoolwork. Now when I was juggling between housework, and schoolwork, the only thing that kept me going was my band. And when my band broke up, you'd reprimand me because all I ever wanted to do was "make music" and I never do anything productive. Now I'm not saying I'm jealous or anything, In fact this sh*t is behind me and I really really don't care anymore. But admit it, you love her more than me because she's diligent in her work. Because she got into a specialized high school, got really high SATs, even got scholarships, while when I try to do something right, such as become valedictorian.

------The only words from you is: "Yeah, I AM dissapointed, dissapointed because you're a valedictorian, and you're going into a community college?"

------If you think i forgot about that sh*t you said that made me just want to die, then you're mistaken. The reason why I don't talk about this to you is because I'm stronger now. I'm strong enough to let go of the past that you can't seem to let go of because you regret a lot. I'm strong enough to push away all the negative sources in my life and If I have too, I will cut them off. I'm strong enough to not care about those negative sources. Unfortunately you're on my list of negative sources.

------I don't want to talk to you about this any attempts of you speaking to me about this will be ignored. Its behind me, I have other things to worry about and actually give my "time" to. I know you sacrificed a lot for me, but I had to learn how to grow up under the wing of your disappointment, I had to take your emotional and physical beatings. And lastly, I had to look for other ways to grow up emotionally because you weren't there for me.

------There's so much more flaws and mistakes about you that I could really write about, but I don't care anymore and I wouldn't waste my time writing them. I'm just writing this because I need to get this off my chest.

------Go be there for my sister who you were actually there for. But don't lecture to me because you weren't there when I needed you. You will always be Mama for me, but that's it, nothing else nothing more.

User Comments: [1]
P h ii l l y
Community Member

Thu Apr 17, 2014 @ 02:11pm


User Comments: [1]
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