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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
waking up again
I'm pleased with the way my academics are picking up. despite my lengthy depression during the winter, I might actually get away with very high A's in some of my classes and almost all of my classes are using an option where one exam out of all the exams given out will not be counted in the final score. I guess there is some luck left for me, although I would not have needed it in the first place if I didn't have to go through a gigantic amount of bad luck. Furthermore, I found that whey protein helps a billion times over to keep me feeling full during the day so I don't have any urges to succumb to my eating disorder again. I can officially say that I am out of the woods and I'm not going back, even if I get it in my head that it might be worth the results. It won't be worth it because my body can't take the nutritional imbalance that the process generates and because the process actually makes me gain weight. I've got another thing on the line now and it's the fact that it would interfere with my developing muscles. I want lean muscle and I want it to be on display and not buried in fat when I finally go running outside to be the nonverbal showoff that I like to be. I don't know, I rather like achieving things most people don't have the will to do, I think it generates respect. (so see, respect can be generated by accomplishment rather than striking fear into people) I really want all my hard work to be apparent because, right now, the aching my muscles sometimes gets so bad that I get tinitus in my left ear and wake up during the night trying to reposition my muscles. I'm definitely seeing results though and that's encouraging. I'm seeing the beginnings of abs, I've got biceps capable of lifting 20 lb weights, and my legs are getting definition. (although I think running gave me enough leg muscles to not need a lot more "leg days" but since most glute exercises involve leg muscles, I'd have to weigh my exercise options. I think I've covered most of my muscles. I think I need to find more back, side, and glute exercises though. I find that I don't mind AM's and PJ's absence. There's a lot of peace in being left alone. AM's continuing to be negative whenever he is put under stress. I kind of don't care because his concerns don't exist for me on any meaningful level. I think I need to make sure that I'm truly being positive before I start chastising him. I think if I'm giving my full effort to fill my head with more positive feelings and motivation and am doing all that I can to help him too, then I deserve some effort in return. There's no deadline for finding that out other then the time that he would expect me to move in with him. That was the idea all along, but I don't know whether I can live with someone so negative and lasy. I guess I have to wait and see how his behavior continues to be over the break and after. It has been rather inflammatory lately. I need to make a decision after I watch how things unfold some more. I think if I'm going to look for freedom from this cycle, I better be prepared to be a little more extroverted. I think I will hurt somewhat because he used to mean something emotionally and my body releases trust hormones all over the place when I just think about him and when we're spending time together. Rationally though, I just might not be pleased. I'll have to decide on threshold if I do decide to peel away. see, I can't condemn him for having negative feelings, I can condemn him, though, for not trying to make himself happy and taking my effort for granted, again. My body is also turning into something that he won't be attracted to. His ideal girl is just plain skinny and has long hair. He needs someone really conservative. I'm kind of tired of him telling me how much of a turn off muscles are on a woman and how I'm supposed to take care of my body like I do when he can't be bothered to shower most days that he's away and thus his back is covered in pimples. He even kept nagging about how he doesn't like short hair like his opinion is really going to change the way I'm going to make my body look. The fact that he even thought it was ok to put me down for all this crap is annoying. The more I talk about it, the more I feel like I've been selling myself short. I've really got to have a long think on this one. Hell, I've been thinking about it when PJ unofficially came into my life I've just felt burdened by the fact that such a decision would be taken because I'd instantly want PJ to take his place. Now that I've got nothing but familiar aloneness waiting for me if I decide to go, I feel more at home and morally upright. I feel like I've got a lot more to say about this and it's stuck in my mind. I think if I end up making this decision, I want to be comfortable knowing that I won't be disappointed that PJ is no longer in the picture no matter how uncomfortable it was being around someone so boundless and passionate. I think the biggest thing that's stopping me from getting too comfortable with making a decision is the familiarity of knowing AM.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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