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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
over the moon and back again
There's a kind of peace in disorder right now. I was traveling all around the city on business and ended up missing a couple of classes because of it. I was able to finish a lab report and a rough draft portion of another lab report with that time. I feel like I'm back in control of my academic success. I am also empty. I went to a club meeting at a Chipotle and all I could think was whether I'd see PJ there since he likes spicy food and the service area wasn't far at all from his house. Me being blind and all, I made out someone that vaguely looked like him although I knew it wasn't, and to my embarrassment I mistook a window for a door. I'd embarrass myself like that when my mind is preoccupied. Isn't it strange how, although I've got this attachment to AM, I'm still looking for PJ. I guess it's a classic example of wanting what you can't get. In this case, his lack of presence makes me wonder about him. I don't think I would welcome a conversation with him because I'm emotionally tired after the anxiety bouts that his guilt of knowing me gave him. I'd be pleased to see him, I just want to keep him away from me because I know if I let him back, my happiness would deteriorate because reality would set in on how much I'm compromising to make myself happy after accepting all the pitfalls. It's funny how the way I stand for him makes him afraid to talk or simply ignore me like any other person that has moved on. I'm tempted to bring AM on campus. I know that PJ won't feel a bit because AM isn't much to be jealous of visually, but I'd be happy to insert happy memories back onto campus so I'm not reminded of PJ whenever I'm there. I was doing really well at ignoring his absence when I was in the suburbs. AM's not keen on visiting campus though so if I really drag him out to campus, it would have to be with a good reason. Frankly, hearing about someone that has been absent from my life since over a month ago wouldn't do any good for him considering the pain that he felt during our brief separation. There really isn't much to do on campus past sitesee and ironically AM is much more gregarious and much less the sitting still and quiet type than I am. I would probably be adding more negative memories. I don't know, I just never clicked with the campus. All my experiences on there are either neutral or some shade of negative but I'm ok with that because the campus is beautiful enough for me to run around every single day on beautiful sunny days. I'm very sure that, had I not been able to enjoy sensations like I do, I'd be in a worse emotional position than I am now. I'm a sucker for going back to places where I have semi important memories stored. I remember the walk I had with PJ from class one time when we chatted about my exercise regimen. I remember the time he asked about me talking on the phone with my grandma (since I speak russian). I remember being hyperaware and rather disappointed that he wasn't in the same room with the class for meditation (buddhist temple field trip). I remember looking at his hands all the time, his writing, and his cell phone which had a broken screen. As for the way he claimed he ousted a girl out of the seat right next to me just so he can sit by me, I didn't notice that it was due to his attraction and he pretty much melded into that spot like he was there the entire time. There's something peculiar about his character that's like looking at a mirror until you think about the way some of his habits hang off his character. The way he behaves is like a still recognizable copy after edits. Maybe he was right to say that we needed to part because the lust will always be there, but I think it's much more than lust, me being a flip-switch sexual-asexual person (as in, i'd be ok not doing anything remotely touchy feely for years because i'm a-ok surviving on autoerotic crapola but for the sake of a healthy relationship, I find something adventurous within; it takes two to tango though and I'm much too indifferent to actively search for meaningless sex. Enough of that, My point was that there's something about the way he thinks and perceives the world that has hooked me. He's the person (mentally) that I imagined when I was thinking if I would find someone ideal. The fact that he's just as physically active as I am (workout wise) has me over the moon. I did say that I'd continue to think about him for 2 years before I'd remove all the emotion from all that happened. I'd hope that that imprinted itself into his mind. It's not right thinking about a future where I could encounter him again when I'm content with AM though. He also knew the right thing to do (about our separation) and so he did it. I really wonder whether he hates me or whether he accepted the opportunity to build a wall between us so that we can both be content. I might find out or I may not. My exercise regimen is showing noticeable results and I'm still going. I'm aching every day now, waking up from it sometimes. I really want to be someone else than who PJ saw. I want to wear a mask and if he is really able to see through it to the core, then it won't faze him. On a better note, AM is working on himself while I'm working on myself. He might not be breaking himself down like I am, but I know he loves me and that is why I'm content. His love is like a sun lamp and I feel a lot like a lizard trying to become a rabbit, sprouting fine hair between my scales, feeling my insides change to that of a rabbit while my eyes remain lizard-like. I don't like being an actress, but I would if it helps me manipulate myself into a situation where I'd be happy. I'm only manhandling myself in the end and AM benefits. I really think I have few new things to share but maybe if I repeat them enough, I can desensitize myself to it. Even if I obsess about the points, it's still going to take a couple of years because it did the last time I fell in love (with the first person that I ever dated). I'd rather fall in love like I did with AM than have the uncertainty and pain of random love arrive out of nowhere and make me miserable that that love revealed itself when I can't morally claim it like I really want to.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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