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theres a lot i can handle. a lot i can look past. i use to be so stiff with my rules. be so un yealding i couldnt accept even the thought of dating a girl that drank, had tattoos, smoked, had tongue, nose, lip, or eyebrow piercing. to me it was discussing, impure, stupid, foolish, childish. i couldnt even stand the site of it, and i still cant. i hate them all. its like defiling god, or what ever god you believe in, there greatest work. each one of us were created the way i believe we were meant to stay. and to quicken your death, act like an absolute fool or violate your own flesh just to look the way everyone else dose is horrible and it makes me angry and so very very sad.

my worst ex got her lip pierced, and i should have dumped her. another one got tattoos, i should have dumped her. every time i run into someone that turns out to not meet my original standards, it ends poorly and gets to the point that they are such horrible people and i should have gotten out early. but i dont. i stay and expect it to be different.

yes i am a controlling individual, i cant help it. i have become more relaxed with it thou. if im not dating someone, i could not care less what they do. it wouldnt effect me or how i see myself or how others see me. but when i do date i often look for what i want, and i keep running into what i want to avoid. people changing right in front of me, and not for the better. ever hear of a bad road? i keep seeing people go down them. its like they fight and get worse and worse till one day they look at them self and see that all that they were doing was just stupid, that they were better as they were. so many people go too AA, and get tattoos removed, and let there piercings close up later in life. they realize that it was dumb but by then they had destroyed there life.

my good ex was the only one i never had that with, never had to worry about and i did anyway. she wanted to cut her hair and i had already started to freak. she drank alcoholic fruit drinks and i was freaking out. she may or may not of had shorts once and i nearly lost it, like right ballpark swing lost it. if i get jumpy at that with what was a perfect gf, what kind of jumpy am i with a girl that always argues and starts to get every piercing i hate and is going to get tattoos all while posting about pot but says she dosnt do it and wont. if she is hiding the piercings from me, what else is there? how can i trust someone that way?

i write this questioning myself, and my instincts. inside i feel my controlling, cautious side screaming and clawing telling me to go, run before i cant. get out because it will only get worse. she already forces me to accept things i hate. i can say im upset and she tells me im wrong fort being upset, that its her life not mine and i should ether deal with it or leave. but right now, i cant deal with it, i cant. i deal with so much as is i just dont know if i can deal with this.

i already came off of that drinking, now im ok with it long as it isnt around me. but the rest? i dont know. tattoos im iffy on still. i tried to be ok with them but its just not easy. i will never be ok with piercings, i know that now. i wont ever be ok with smoking of anything or druggs. it isnt who i am and if im going to be with someone i dont want it in my life. in what ever child i haves life.

for now im going to think on it. ponder my choices. but its just, i dont know if i can deal with it in the end.

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