I've been trying to determine whether the one true friend I have in my life thinks of me the same way. I know it's not like he's my lover or anything, but I open up to him more than I do anyone else. We've known each other for..... f*ck... 17 years.. (I feel old xD)........... But the problem is, he seems unsure of whether I'm really a friend to him. He seems to see things in a much more complex way than I do. (I use the word "seems" a lot here, because that's what it looks like from my point of view. I don't want to attempt to declare what he's actually thinking, because I'm not him... Lol.) In my opinion, things are only as complicated as we make them out to be.
I try to keep things simple, and let out who I am deep inside. Deep inside, I'm a child at heart. I'm silly, I'm a bit weird and animated, and I like to be happy. That is the real f*cking me. He thinks it's a defense mechanism... In other words, he thinks I'm using my silliness to hide the real person inside me. In reality, it's actually the complete opposite. When I'm acting silly or strange, that is my actual self coming out. I do have a defense mechanism. When I have it up, it's usually around people at school, a girl I may like, or people that I don't trust. At those times, I'm a very quiet guy, usually behind the computer. If you see me in conversation I try to act as serious as I could, so that other people don't think I'm a dumbass. THAT is my defense mechanism. When I'm around people I've known for years and years, I let my awkwardness and silliness come out, because I'm more comfortable around them and I know they're used to it and aren't going to bite my dick off. Deep down, I honestly wish I was a kid again and didn't have to grow up. Therefore, my real self, without any kind of defense mechanism up, is like a kid who wants to play and be happy.
It's that damn simple. I've known myself for 25 years; I know who I am. So don't tell me who the f*ck I am. If you like my real self, then cool, let's be friends. If you don't like it, then fine, I'll get out of your hair.
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