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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
back to the beginning
I didn't say this before, but I stopped expecting PJ to come back to my life on valentine's day. I knew that that was a dealbreaker day because I knew that if he loved her he wouldn't return and say that he made a mistake. I waited for him to return up until that day. I looked out off the train station at the end of the day, daydreaming that maybe he was going to appear before I could leave for home and hug me and I mean really hug me, not that touch-phobic pat he gave me when I felt that I needed to leave his apartment. I should talk about that. I managed to get him to go to a restaurant with me during that short span that I was completely alone. I did the morally right thing and told AM that if he can be positive, i'd be more than happy to take him back but another part of me wanted to call out to PJ, lay myself out and bare my neck saying whatever to bring him back. I would never do something so insane and demeaning though and I 100% believe that a relationship with PJ would contain a level of belittling that I would come to rue from him in a very short period of time. Anyway, I got too excited during the restaurant and talked him into showing me his apartment, having no other intention than getting to know him better and hanging out. I found out, though, that my brain was flooded with too many emotions when I was sitting on a rickety table watching youtube videos with him. My head started swimming and I began to feel uneasy about the chances that my body would be left with him if I did pass out. I left there in a hurry and with the burdensome knowledge that I have let him go. Now, though, I feel like I have let him go even more. I have apologized to AM for the pain that he had to go through to become a positive person. I like him better that way, but my own rollercoaster ride with depression was enough to show me that he was in a lot of pain and that I might not have been able to handle him treating me like I treated him during the time that I needed to start pumping the positive back into my life. This post is probably brief but I'm weak. I haven't slept for more than 5 hours all nights this week.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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