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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
increasingly complex interactions
What I'm really thinking about when I write these posts is the off chance that PJ would get to read them. I know it's unlikely, but it's one of those delusions that I don't see much harm in. so AM is going to return for the weekend, he usually does every other weekend for this semester. He's definitely making more of an effort to communicate with me though. I don't know if you recall, but last time I dated AM, things fell apart because he couldn't be bothered to text me even one thing for up to a week and definitely didn't care about me enough to ask how I was when I came down with my medical issue the first time. I'm actually subject to really bad ovarian cysts right around the time that the days get short for the winter. I feel like it's related to the weather because it always crops up around thanksgiving and goes away early in january. anyway, I went to the docs again in the hopes of getting a surgery to remove it and the idiot that I was set to talk to was more concerned about the people that won't ever exist because I never want kids. In her mind, she already decided that I would have at least one. I thought of this reply only after I left her office: "I have decided that you will have three more kids because that's a wholesome number. You shouldn't use birth control because I have issues with you using it." I got pretty angry, I think she deserved maybe a punch in the face but I wouldn't do that because I'm nonviolent to a fault. Anyway, I'm stuck with that group of doctors because my mom's employers gave her a cheap a** conservative policy. Anyway, birth control pills were prescribed, just like last time, to make my cysts go away. This time the side effects were limited only to me being very tired all day every day and I really couldn't afford that in classes and for my regimen. When I took myself off (slowly but apparently that did little), I faced a strong couple of weeks of intense suicidal depression. I think I was more prone to it in the first place because things were still kinda hot and intellectually seductive between PJ and myself and I was at a conflict of wanting to leave for PJ because of all the old feelings that were called back from the class that I took with him (I fell hard for him, I'd notice small things in that class like the size of his hands, how the screen of his phone was cracked, and his tiny writing) He later told me that he moved from where he was originally sitting just to be closer to me. It's a little agonizing feeling all that missed opportunity because I was single then. It's only that summer that I got really lonely and decided to meet up with my ex again, completely oblivious that PJ had the hots for me. I appeared right on time for AM though. AM was going through a suicidal depression and actively looking for a rifle to end his life with when I requested that we hang out again. He didn't tell me about it until we were well into a few months into our relationship (when it started being a real downturn for me because he began clearly relying on me to hold his life together and the stress was causing my on/off bulimia to flare up since a year ago). strangely enough, the way I'm preoccupied with PJ gives me the motivation I need to regulate home much I eat (that and the whey protein). He has given me something to fight for even though there (more than likely) would only be a fight and no real ending until my fight because a new addition to my regimen. You should know that I started running because of a similar situation two years ago. I was rejected by my crush because I felt it was right to remain true to my boyfriend despite the fact that I clearly deserved more than AM was giving me at the time. AM didn't care much when I finally ditched him and so I became angry as my passive aggressive personality would sanction. I guess getting angry is better than being depressed. I have like a 5 minute bout of despair when I considered the fact that the girl that PJ found instead of me is very gregarious and is quite a stunner in the face even though she is a very thin and rectangular girl. she's not my type but I can see what PJ would find so attractive, she has the gregariousness and the stress relief that he really wants for himself. (I'm bi but I don't know to what extent; I definitely have a "type" of woman that I'm attracted to just like I have a "type" of man) Anyway, I'm probably going off on a really long tangent. AM is coming back this weekend and I'm fairly certain that I will be well rested and relaxed after spending some time with him. If he's not so selfish and decides to get here so we have more than 5 hours before I have to leave for the city with my grandparents (they're coming over to celebrate national woman's day on sunday). Anyway, AM wants to attend a drinking marathon on friday and thinks he will need to sleep off the hangover most of saturday. I'm a little pissed off that he's letting something that he can do any other day cut into our time together because we only got one day last time and most of it was spent staring at the computer screen watching an ok show. I've been trying to entice him to come back earlier (mostly hopeful because he hates parties as much as I do and might see hanging out with me as a more attractive option. I really never know with him though. He still has this immaturity that I have to be patient with. Like I don't let him know how annoyed I am in order to keep things positive between us (him and myself being easily influenced by negative conversations) but there's a certain point where I won't be his mom about it. I just wish I can reach a point where he does enough to make respecting him an easy thing.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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