Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals


View User's Journal

Report This Entry Subscribe to this Journal
The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
bars on a box
I can say that I have settled down to being comfortable with AM. I still don't feel the old way about him, but I can really trust him. I don't think I can hurt him because he still hasn't lobbed the first rock and I can respect that. Despite that deep, cavernous hole, the lubdub that I feel instantly when I see PJ. I can fabricate and act out the motions of a meaningful relationship as morally supported with AM, but with PJ, I am blinded. I lose my mind, I feel exactly the feelings that I'm trying to act out and make happen with AM. There's a sadness and a worry that not a single drop of real passion would alter my indifference to AM romantically. Except, the feelings are not because I have much of any kind of feeling for him, I just really don't like to be lonely. I know I'm a really tough person to get along with but I have a conscience too. When everything I say comes out as the opposite of how I really feel inside, I have tremendous cognitive dissonance. That's another theme with me, I'm passive aggressive, face a lot of cognitive dissonance when it comes to how I think I should love someone and who I end up loving instead, and I think I've been detecting strong amounts of arrogance after being exposed to JP's strong self confidence. I can say that I took away some self confidence for myself. Anyway, I've changed my fb account so that I have a smiling profile picture up. He said if I really have the control that I say I have to make him hate me in order to give him peace, I would be able to control my depression; so, just for him, I built myself up. It's a message I sent without using any words and I hope he got it. I feel well enough to genuinely smile when I'm relaxing. I also said that if I had any control, I would be able to find a way to keep him as a friend. My actions were that of an incompetent foolbag, as he called me. Past the funny slur, I can accept that. He also said that he knows that I respect him, so I'm guessing that he's staying away for his own happiness as well. In a very weird show of team effort, we're staying away so both of us can have some measure of peace in our lives, him being also anxiety prone. I sometimes catch a whiff of something that he does that makes me wonder whether he's still struggling to forget me or whether he has come to accept it and feel ok now. I must consider AM though; I was and remain stuck in the mindset that leaving AM would be like making him feel the way I felt after PJ left. I can't hurt him like that when he made a genuine, honest effort to build an important relationship. I suppose I will continue on with my good intentions for him because right now, I can only think of one man and it'll stay that way for a while (because it always does when I've fallen as hard as I have for PJ) I can appreciate what AM does but I honestly don't know what the future holds and I probably won't be able to share a good part of genuine connection outright blind love and connection with him although I am pleased when I see him. It's a very weird time. I would never date two people at one time (because I really think that I want to share my entire life with only one person) even though PJ offered to be in a love triangle if I talked to AM about it. I thought it was beneath him and beneath me to consider that. If I ever end up with PJ in some strange sequence of events, I want to give him all of me and I want him to return the favor. I can't leave one relationship for another, it's just not something I can respect. Meanwhile, my heart (technically my brain) is telling me I'm so stupid for ignoring my loud desire to be outright happy...and I chose the more difficult and much less rewarding route. I wish I could say that I could do something like that, but I'm chained to my conscience.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
  • [06/19/17 03:55am]
  • [07/19/16 02:45am]
  • [05/03/16 05:43am]
  • [04/22/16 05:57am]
  • [04/16/16 12:00am]
  • [02/28/16 07:22pm]
  • [02/04/16 01:25am]
  • [01/19/16 01:30am]
  • [01/06/16 05:50am]
  • [01/05/16 06:39am]

    Manage Your Items
    Other Stuff
    Get GCash
    Get Items
    More Items
    Where Everyone Hangs Out
    Other Community Areas
    Virtual Spaces
    Fun Stuff
    Gaia's Games
    Play with GCash
    Play with Platinum

    Customize your own avatar now!

    Join Now

    Have an account? Login Now!