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Years go on. We're all familiar with that, especially when we finally start trodding through the burden of adulthood and realize we'll never be same smiling, carefree children we once were. We can't really go back to that, no matter how hard we try to recapture it. Nostalgia is a powerful thing, isn't it? Everything tasted fresher, smelled sweeter, each day full of laughter and joy -- even when it wasn't.

Stands to reason we'd feel that away about our friendships too. As the sands of time sift through the hourglass, naturally the bonds we once held with others loosen and eventually break away. We all know about the friends we've let slip through our fingers, or worse, those that chose to distance themselves from you. I'd be surprised to find any exception.

Yet, I can't say there are a lot of people I think back and still wish I had in my life. Some, yes... I suppose. Yet in all, I find the ones that were worth keeping stuck by me. I'm fortunate for that.

But if we're to speak of online matters, I'd have to say something quite different. No matter how much time passes, there's still one person that returns to my thoughts time and time again. Why is that? Most days, I don't even remember he exists, to be honest... and then I'll see something that reminds me of him, or a fleeting memory crosses my mind. I can't really say I understand why it still brings me some grief. A mild discomfort in my chest, I'd say. When I do remember him, I wonder how he's doing, and what sort of things he gets up to these days. If he made it in a career. Got married. Started a family. Basically if he moved on from all these things I still get caught up over and become someone normal but utterly alien to me.

Normal? Well, maybe he always was kind of normal. Who knows? I really didn't know him at all, did I? I can't even remember his real name anymore.

Every once in a while I look for some trace of him. I just want to say hello, swap a few pleasantries with him... (Let him know I still think of him from time to time, and hey, look at me! I turned out to be pretty cool, right? I'm not the same person I was!)

Eh, but... he's lost, I guess. I can't find him anywhere on this vast scope we call the internet using the aliases I knew him by. It'd probably be too weird to try harder than that. Maybe it's weird the way it is now.

Damn. I wonder if he even remembers me at all. I doubt he'd ever conceptualize that at this very moment I'm writing about him and wondering where he's been. I don't think I ever really mattered to him that much. I don't know if he even really matters to me. I think I'm just really sorry about how it all panned out with him, in a way that I'm not sorry with anyone else. Yeah, I think I liked him... as much as you could like someone you didn't really know. He made me happy back then. If I touch an old memory or two, I still feel a small spark light up in this cold chest of mine. That means a lot to me.

Where ever you may be, Inutaishou, keep on being the cool dude I knew you as! I know I was just a dumb kid, but this dumb kid really looked up to you once upon a time -- enough to reflect on it still almost a decade later. (and write a stupid journal entry because I really needed to get it out of my system)


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Azure Starwish
Community Member
commentCommented on: Tue Mar 04, 2014 @ 09:45pm
I totally understand what your going through, B. Josh/Miro crosses my thoughts perhaps more then he should (Almost every day), and I can't help but feel a little sad at the friendship I somehow managed to lose, and frustrated that there isn't a single trace of him. Anywhere. I think he's kind of became my obsession (He'd probably love that).
Thus I often wonder if he truly was just a fictional character, made up to hide his true identity. But its tricky, because I talked to his mom and his brother, even some of his friends. Its quite strange, and leaves me upset. Most definitely.
I understand, and I'm there with you. I'm always wondering what he's up to. Where he's at. What his life is like now. If he ever thinks of me. If he still loves me. Haha.
And often I wonder if he's even still alive. All questions (minus the love one) that I would really like to know. But, its probably best that I never find him.

Life definitely was much easier back then. Oh, if only we could go back in time. (But then I would lose Aaron, and this wedding. So maybe going back in time wouldn't be that great. Haha.)

commentCommented on: Wed Mar 05, 2014 @ 02:50am
Yeah, your thing with Josh was more much intense than mine was with Tai though. For one thing, you had mutual romantic feelings for each other. You also knew him on a personal level -- unless, as you say, he made up his entire persona. I think it'd be tricky to fake family though, so even if who you knew him as was fake, you can probably be assured that they were his real relatives. I wish I knew where Josh had ended up too, because you know, after so many years of listening to your stories about him and knowing him a little myself, it's enough to develop a healthy curiousity about his well-being. It's better to imagine that he's just somewhere out there. Maybe he just doesn't want to come back to you because he knows it'd be pointless and just stir up feelings neither of you need at this point in your life.

Even if, and a big if, Tai was ever curious about what happened to me, I don't think there's any way he could come to me. We'd both just miss each other because if he's still actively using the net we both have new identities that can't be traced through our old ones. I guess I hope somewhat that if he remembers me, he does so as someone who is more than that weird clingy kid that he totally had to forcibly sever ties with from annoyance. Maybe remember some of the better times we had, like I do?

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