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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
reflecting on the holiday
The holiday sleepover seems a lot more menacing now that I've had time to think about everything that was said and done. It's true that my friend had full knowledge about how tumultuous my love life is, but it was perhaps borderline and in some ways past borderline inappropriate about the way he acted. For one, and creepily enough, he asked how one would suffocate a person with a pillow and proceeded to press the pillow over my face multiple times while I wriggled out of it. sure, he was playing, but it's a very strange topic to play around with. secondly, the entire wrestling sequence was populated with him making these very sexual comments about the way I was struggling and he even ventured to pat me through my clothes while telling me that he would let me go if I ask politely, and thirdly and maybe as disturbing as the pillow thing, when I came to his room to ask how I'm going to get home (as he promised) he started talking about his morning wood and started playing with himself beneath his blanket. I'm trying really hard to be impartial but there's so many things that would've tipped a much more stringent person than myself against him. I don't know, I'm feeling increasingly apprehensive about the sequence of events. I think it's better that I stay away from his house especially if I don't know if his parents or his sister will be there. There's something unnerving about a guy that would pick up the phone to his very depressed girlfriend, tell her that he loves her and that there's no one else like her, put down the phone, and continue to act like he was acting prior to the phone call. I don't know, there's a part of me that thinks I should take a greater amount of offense and there's another part of me that continues to be intrigued by his behavior. I'm not stupid enough to get caught in the same situation though. I think, if I were in his shoes, I would keep my distance when I've still got ties to someone. AM was pouring stress onto me these past few days in regards to ukraine, his hangout fails, and the difficulty of studying for an A on midterms. After talking to him about why I was so irritated that he wouldn't be more positive because he felt entitled to support from me for his trouble. I don't know, I think that if a person is to look for comfort from a negative with another person, at least every other conversation should be about something positive so that the person doesn't become a sponge for your stress. If I must tell him about what has happened to me, I would do it once unless he brings it up again or there's a topic where I can refer to my experience in that situation. Anyway, the wrestling itself wasn't that bad and the other two things wouldn't have been so inappropriate if we were both single and had any serious interest in one another. I guess he's used to having girls fall for him like that; I'm just not that kind of girl.

I received a phone call from a number that seemed vaguely like the number that I remember for PJ. since I've removed his contact information so that I wouldn't be inclined to text him due to my bone deep regret that nothing came of our mutual strong interest, I only remember vague details about his number but certainly not enough to know whether he really did call me or not. I texted the number just in case and have not received a reply. Even though nothing came of it and I've still got strong interest in him, I think I'm mature enough to handle and respect the fact that he has a girlfriend if he is able to accept that I'm still with AM. I think a mutual respect would bring about contentment even if it comes at a bit of an effort. I think it's apparent enough that I love him enough to let him go and develop however he may see fit.

I have pity for AM, I feel he deserves more for being such a major part of my life so far. He says some pretty cold and thoughtless things, like calling my eating disorder a choice (to which I shot back that I guess his depression is a choice too) and demanding an apology for me asking for him to be more positive versus pampering him all day while he nestles in his complaints about Ukraine, friends, and his studying. I don't know, I'm running so hot/cold. I'm 85% thoroughly tired and done with dealing with his negativity. I can't ignore that he's the first person that I've had a serious relationship with and that he understands the most about what I've got going on. The way he sees his future melds pretty nicely with the way that I see my future. I can't say that I'm physically attracted to him although I actively search and sometimes do find an angle, or the way the light reflects off his face, or the way his body feels in my arms when I hug him that I feel like I'm alright with things as they are. I normally don't obsess about these things because I remember that they are of not of incredibly high importance to me. PJ saw a future that was similar to mine too, we got caught up in a spiral of negativity after he saw that it wasn't so easy to pry me away from AM.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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