That's the way my stomach is cutting up. It's nice to know I can gather my courage at times, but tonight, it seems like all I had to give is gone. So... really, I'm back to square one. Scared to look. Ridiculous. I would've been gone off to bed if I hadn't thought I would do it, but now I'm thinking I might as well skip it and go. I don't like the idea of putting it off, but I'm tired and scared. I wonder why I put myself through this. Then I remember that it's better than just waiting to see if something will change, with no reason to think so. 'Do I really want to have to wait another year and a half?' has become my first thought when I start to feel stupid. I wonder what he thinks of me. All I can do is wonder, because he would not share a single thought with me. More than once, I have felt foolish for what I have said and done. I cringe at what he must think of me. But, I need this. If he won't do it for me, I'll do it for me. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish he would've just talked to me like normal, instead of making a big deal out of it. It's really, really stupid, I still catch myself wishing I could talk to him.