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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
simple blanket
I feel like my guilt is marginalizing my honest reporting of how I feel about PJ. I instantly felt like I lied about how I'd feel if he'd come back. It's just that, with all the things AM and I had between us when we were still starting out the second time around I feel that there is a strong net there that I wouldn't be able to recreate with anyone else so easily. I think that he pined for me as strongly as I'm pining for PJ and some part of me is ultra aware that I shouldn't be too honest for the sake of his happiness. I told him enough for him to know that I have fallen out of love with him and I am attempting to patch things up again by asking him to look on the brighter side of things. I don't know, my heart's just not in it. No matter how much he changes, he'd never come in all impressive and charming, weaving sweet phrases through my brain, and intoxicating me with his presence. Another part of me just feels calm about it because neither he nor I see marriage on the horizon because we both feel it's unnecessary if two people are really in love. Frankly, it puts me at ease that I'm in no hurry to find someone that I can work with for the rest of my life. PJ is though and that's the difference. He's looking specifically for the hooks that he would like from a wife and I don't have to look for anything at all because there's no pressure. There's a kind of easy-going freedom to it that I'm enamored with in and of itself. There's a part of me that would've liked a real shot with PJ but to look for someone to marry requires a tremendous amount of stress and trust. I don't believe I can trust someone like PJ that has trouble managing his own stress that he lets it build up on me. I guess there's one glaring difference between him and I, I have issues with outright ditching people in my life and it takes a long and rocky trial and error process before I would leave them. He was all too eager to let go. There are many reasons that I could venture why. AM, though, has few things working for him besides his intelligence, which he refuses to appreciate and would rather envy someone with muscles. He'd be hard pressed to actually work out and make it work for himself though. His laziness is rather a pet peeve. I think if I'm looking for a peaceful and stable, although generally with little meaning and depth, relationship, AM is right up that alley. I'm thinking about the way PJ wove words through my mind and the way he takes care of himself approaches the intensity with which I take care of myself. I don't know, I still remember all the reasons why I fell for him. There's no pressure now to leave AM for PJ which eliminates most of the noise in my head. I think I can comfortably stay with AM and I can match him action for action as someone to serve as motivation for a quiet life. I know that I need a quiet life and I want it but I don't desire it. I'm still dealing with this conflict although there is no clear indication that there's someone like PJ waiting or out there in the future for me. I really don't think I'll meet another person like him. This is why I stop thinking about it for a while and regress to the peaceful state with AM. I don't think about the passion that I have and I embrace the simplicity of quiet and peace. There is a point where I wonder whether PJ would have been able to offer the same niche. I guess it's a matter of patience and seeing how people change over time. I have patience where he doesn't. I have developed a certain appreciation for the peace that AM gives me although AM will never be the type of person to suggest an existential book that he enjoyed, or share stories about crazy things he did with his friends, or really share any of the spontaneity that I enjoy.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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