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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
brain burning
Things were rougher than I thought they would be today, still not rough enough for me to feel like turning to worse things to deal with anxiety, but bad enough that I kinda felt my brain burning again. I think it was a minor form of panic attack. I have been thinking an awful lot on PJ and I can make light of it all I want, but the current state of our knowledge of each other's existence (I don't think I can even call him an acquaintance; much of the time that I knew him, neither of us knew exactly what we were to each other) is unpleasant. It weighs on me. Last time I was in a similar situation, over 6 years ago but still bad enough to remember the tremendous amount of relief I felt when I knew that the person on the other side of the line had finally moved on from all the emotional fervor. I can compound that with the fact that this is one of the times that I actually fell hard for the person on the other side of the line. Honestly, with the way everything is so strained right now, I can't help but think that my brain would flip and decide that instead of immersing itself in the good memories, it would remember the hurt from moving on. I know that reading the past conversations actually help me cope for the day or week. There's this guy that comes to the university gym that bears a slight resemblance to PJ. That's the thing, when you're running on the treadmill and thus facing the benchpress and elliptical area of the gym, your eyes end up resting on someone even though it might begin to feel uncomfortable for you that they might notice. It's not that you mean anything by it, just running in the basement and not being able to see all the way to the mirror results in a lack of visual stimulation. I'd rather be caught staring than sone out and start thinking of various negative things. I got stuck with a treadmill in front of a wall today though so it was quite a bit more mentally taxing. I remembered how , in my recent state of suicidal thought, I was wondering what kind of message I would leave behind. I don't think a long note would do any good, but some theatrics would be best of all to change the state of things. I wouldn't want to get back at PJ, in fact, the recent events between PJ and I were only the spark to tinder that was already there for a while. I was thinking that perhaps I would paint on the wall in big letters that my mom should have had an abortion so I wouldn't have to experience living with them and the resulting depressions, anxiety, and general inability to connect with people due to being isolated from other people as a kid. I would rather like to knock down all the flower pots around the house like the pots that I had to clean up after my parents' row. see, I can get in my mom's mind that way, but my dad was more a physical beast. I don't think I can hurt him physically like he hurt me, but he throws a tantrum when people can't return his feelings after he had a history of pushing or hitting them. He's a vain person, I wouldn't mind burning his clothing. He's also a neat freak; maybe the pots would be broken in the room that he has to clean every saturday. I didn't mention, but that chore was handed off to my little sister and she's getting paid for it (a salary higher than the one I received even after a few years and doing a better job at it than she) I don't really care though now, I can earn more money in a single day than she earns in a month. Anyway, I preoccupy myself with this, the catch comes when I think about the fact that I would be sealing the absolute necessity to off myself or face the hysterics of both individuals. I know that something like this would make them back down and leave my little sister alone. I know that they're giving her a much diluted form of the crap my older sister and I experienced. The thing that's really stopping me there is that my littler sister is clearly able to shoulder all the trouble and stubbornly stand for herself. Her already large/muscular due to judo size and multiple friendships are clearly very great support systems for her. I guess I would be doing it more for myself than for her then. I don't know, sometimes things go absolutely haywire in my mind and I feel I can't bear going through that process again and again in the future while I try and forget/heal the trouble that I went through. I feel that my parents would deserve something like that after I passively took everything unless I absolutely had to speak up for myself or anyone else that was being figuratively and really pushed around. I don't think that I deserve anything less to be free of them either soon or later. I think my sisters would come to understand what caused me to crack, but I don't think I really want to when I may very well be very close to leaving my parents indefinitely and starting out my healing process. I guess it's important to humor myself when it comes to this. Daydreaming about something so dramatic may also be healthy.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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