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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
rehash of my long absence
As promised: I guess I should bring everything up to speed that has occurred in the previous two years (i didn't check the exact date on the last post before the time that I was absent). anyway, I'm still running and I've gone up to 7mph for 11.6 miles per day for at least the weekdays. The cysts I mentioned before are getting increasingly worse and more frequent when it comes to winter (bad enough that I'm getting hot flashes), I experienced a really freaky but very introspective occurrence after putting down 6 cans of energy drinks in one day (I'll probably reference that later), and I'm on/off battling a cycle of harm that would probably have been easier to deal with if I started journaling earlier. I can't say that I'm always so keen on putting thoughts down because sometimes I just want to not say anything for a day. You'd probably swear otherwise considering how long these rants appear to go for. I guess it all accumulates after some time and needs to be let go of. Let's see, what else has happened. I guess I can mention that my mom made me pay her 1k for a vacation with a bunch of geezers to california that I really didn't like the idea of and ended up thinking wasn't worth it after either (considering I also spent like 2k on completely new furniture for my room). so, you can probably guess where I'm going with this: I'm running low on money. With all the stuff going on, you can also imagine that it's taking a toll on my concentration in class. I'm doing ok if I weren't aiming to go to medical school, but I'm off by .3 gpa points from having a decent chance getting into one. I have this semester and a year to get things back up to par (that or taking graduate school). Either way, I know that I'm going to have to face all sort of crap from my parents because they'll assume they have a say even though I'm the one paying for my college and they're a large cause of my stress in the first place. How am I dealing with all this in addition to the ******** that I have been obsessed about thus far? I think I'm beginning to not care so much. That's really the only alternative to getting myself back to a level where I can be positive enough to turn things around. I guess I have space to talk about the caffeine overdose.

The day I did that, I was already up to drinking up to three cans of Monster per day (I put down 6 cans that day). I take full responsibility for drinking to excess. I did have a near death experience as a result and I'm paying off my medical bills from the trip out of the bank account that's almost completely depleted. Anyway, while I was lying in an inch of cold water to slow down the frantic beating of my heart, I kept scanning whether I was capable of rational thought. Everything was flying through my mind and the book that I chose to keep me company mostly went over my head because I was busy staying in my head. I was really tired because the rest of the week, I stayed up late into the night studying. I think 2-3 times, when my heart slowed down enough, I got out of the tub and fell in bed, only to wake up less than 20 minutes later with my heart going crazy and the heat overwhelming my body. I spent all night monitoring myself and pacing myself. I drank a lot of water to remove as much caffeine as I could from my body and I ate cherries in salt. I later found out that milk is actually pretty good in combating a small caffeine attack; I didn't look up why, but I wish i knew that that night. At around 5AM, I left the apartment and went to the emergency room. The docs said that my heart was back to normal, that I was feeling the huge anxiety that is triggered by the caffeine and that that will last me most of the day and they gave me a tranq to take later that day. I took the tranq on one of my breaks and slept for a good, long time on the warm stones of the stairs in front of the university computer lab. I don't know if it looked too weird because people like to laze about in the lawn in front of the building on days that were warm like that. I guess it was a little weird considering how uncomfortable the stairs had to be. Anyway, there were a couple of times during my experience where I felt that I was blacking out from staying out of the tub too long, each time I thought that if my body was to be found, I wouldn't want it found with my forehead in the water in a praying position. I would like to be found with some dignity. I also know that dying or being near death is the loneliest thing one can do. I'm thoroughly convinced that suicide is not an act of cowardice as much as an act of being pushed so far that not much courage is required to overcome the fear of feeling your organs fail. Anyway, this is clearly a low experience that I'd welcome more openly if it didn't feel so horrible because it gave me insight to a negative that most people would try to avoid. I didn't intend to end up that way, but that's the way it turned out. I don't think it made me see life in a different light, I wouldn't say that such an experience is very out of place with the types of things that tend to happen to me and I'd be naive to act like it has meaning in terms of why it happened. I took meaning and understanding from it, but it, in itself, was an empty thing. I think I have a better idea of the cost that I'm weighing when I'm feeling really depressed like I've been recently. I might feel very low, but certainly not enough emotional pain to decide that feeling that lonely again is worth it. PJ is amazing and the way he knew what to say just to reach me and the way he connected on an intellectual level, our mannerisms, our habits, our flaws; I think he can't be simply indifferent about me and just ignore me because he's afraid of losing sight of doing the morally right thing and dating someone that's close to his age and with a life balance that he could learn from. I'm rather curious about whether he's really able to turn himself around like he said he would; judging by his runescaping, his transition is not smooth. Anyway, haha, I said I wouldn't get lost down that road in this post and I should leave that topic off at that for today. It really pays off filing all of this away so I can look at it if I want but ignore it if I don't.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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