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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
flying PJs and peaceful AMs
So I took another look at the conversation between myself and my crush, let's call him PJ. I noticed that PJ started feeling uncomfortable when he learned more about me that emphasized how much younger I was compared to him. I guess he couldn't focus on the fact that I'm mature for my age, he became preoccupied with the fact that there is a five year difference in our ages and he appears to have become concerned with my range of experience. I don't know, he's the kind of guy that wants to be respected and looked up to, but I don't think I can reciprocate that looking on the flip side of the situation. I love him dearly but I can't respect that after everything that he said to me, he'd let, what I consider to be an upper decency limit in dating age, stand between us and guilt him into looking elsewhere for a connection. Besides the fact that I'm butthurt about how much my feelings were completely ignored after he became obsessed with the fact that he and I are 5-6 years apart depending on the time of the year. He chose someone that has little in common with him in terms of future goals and emotional experience because he panicked. I guess I'll eventually learn to feel relief that I didn't end up with PJ's flippant decision making. I definitely feel like I would deserve more consideration from someone claiming to love me and I have to hang onto that. That's something the guy I'm with now, let's call him AM, kinda excels at. AM gives me the greatest opportunity for peace even though there's really not much else that he offers. I can feel that he loves me despite all his blindness to the way some of the things he says and some of his behavior is impolite and his tendency to be less deperessed but for much longer than me. I don't know, he's still trying, I don't think I'm reconnecting as much as I should be most of the time though. I think there's probably someone that could offer me peace and have more in common with me. I don't think I should make a move when I'm so ridiculously out of my mind with my attraction to PJ. One thing is clear, where I am now isn't where I really want to be. I feel like I have more to say not really related to this topic later today just because I haven't been keeping journal entries for 1-2 years. I think it's important to get myself back on track because it has worked before (journaling I mean). I'll write more later.

Le Visage Inconnu
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