Journal Entry 1; 2/7/14 9:45 P.M.
This is my first entry in my Journal series. I'm not too sure how well this will play out, or if I'll even bother with keeping up with it. But, lately I've been in my head a lot, you know like, thinking of all the horrible things in life and being depressed I guess. I'm no really sure how to put it.
Anyway, I guess everything has been going downhill for me, since my ex left me. Well, I say she was my ex, but she technically wasn't. We were talking for a few months, we were so close to dating. Oh, how I loved this girl. I'd fallen for her the minute I met her and had an actual conversation with her. But, I knew that telling her that would just make her run. So, I hid it from her. The entire time. It.. It is something that I do regret. I feel that, if I'd of told her, that things would be different.
That's besides the point however. I've come to realize her lately.. That things are getting tougher for me. I can't really explain thoroughly what I mean, but I'll give it my best shot.
It's hard for me to wake up in the mornings and actually get up. I know what you must be thinking to yourself; "It's hard for everyone to get up. Most people aren't morning people."
This... It's something else. I wake up in the mornings, and nearly want to just break down and cry. It's genuinely hard for me to go into my day, knowing that there's no one person, no one thing, that can make me have a real smile on my face. It's like there's something really missing out of my life. I can't put my finger on it, however.
I used to think that maybe it was because I was single, and hadn't been interested anyone to the point where I wanted a real commitment in nearly 3 years (with the exception of above). But I wiped it from my mind. I don't want that to be the morale of the story. Other days I think it's just because I feel sorry for myself. I'm an average middle class kid who lives in a small town of about 8,000 people. I have literally maybe 3 true friends, all of which are in relationships.
I see my father maybe 2 or 3 times a week, he's always so stressed and under pressure, that I usually don't even bother with trying to speak to him. My Step mother is a General Manager of a Dollar Store, so she's gone all but 2 nights of the week as well. And when she's home, she's sleeping. I watch my 2 younger sisters, 1 the age of 4, and the other is 9. And, I also have to keep a close eye on my younger brother, who's 14. I think, because of these responsibilities that I have over them, that I expect every night to sit at home, in front of this f*cking screen. I always hope for something to change but I'm slowly realizing that I'm having to waste away my precious highschool years. In less then a year I'll be a Senior on the verge of graduation. And while all the other people in my school, are out having the time of their lives, I'm sitting here in front of this f*cking screen.. Writing down my every thought in hopes that it will consul me..
I think I'm developing depression.. What's happening to me..
The life of Perest.
This Journal will pretty much be a place for my thoughts, and writings accordingly. I don't expect feedback of any sort. I'm doing this for the sake of my sanity. And, well, because it's not like I really have anyone to b*tch to about my problems any