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I've Got a Bridge in Brooklyn to Sell You...
No, I will not make you lemonade.
I remember a while back, one of my friends and I were talking about the saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade" and came up with a bunch of ways we could improve it. One of them is in my signature. The rest (since I FINALLY found the list) I'll post here.

1. When life gives you lemons, take those lemons, make orange soda, sit back, sip the orange soda, enjoy and let the rest of the world be mindf*cked like how the hell did you do that.

2. When life gives you lemons, take them with a smile, go home, grab a glass pitcher, fill it with piss, add a few ice cubes and a lemon slice, and then go up to Life all like, "Hey, thanks for those lemons! I just made some fresh lemonade, would you like a glass?"

3. When life gives you lemons, squirt lemon juice in the eyes of someone you hate.

4. When life gives you lemons, make lemon curd, a lemon-and-graham-cracker-crust, lemon-honey-flavored whipped cream, some lemon sorbet, and candied lemon peel as garnish, and eat up. Making lemonade is for people with no culinary imagination. You're better than that.

5. When life gives you lemons, say "Thanks for the hockey puck!" and go play street hockey with it.

6. When life gives you lemons, bring them to a party and play a drinking game where the last person to finish their beer has to suck a lemon slice for the rest of the night. You're welcome, you are now the life of the party, and you have an enemy with pucker-face.

7. When life gives you lemons, make a sourface and then hold it as you walk outside, complaining loudly through the sourmouth about how Life gave you lemons (that goddamn b*tch) and you didn't know how to make lemonade, so you just juiced the lemons and drank it. You just made everyone's day.

8. When life gives you lemons, chuck one at someone who's not looking. When they turn around angrily, act like you don't know what just happened ("it must've fell out of the sky!" wink and eventually reach the conclusion that life just gave someone the finger. Bonus points if you keep a straight face.

9. When life gives you lemons, throw them back and add some of your own! (h/t: Calvin & Hobbes)

10. When life gives you lemons, juggle them for gawky tourists in Central Park and make some dough off of it.

11. When life gives you lemons, forget about those lemons and pursue your dreams--take harmonica lessons and buy a pet giraffe to ride around on.

12. When life gives you lemons, sell them and buy a car.

13. When life gives you lemons, drop one out of the Empire State Building and see if it's still intact when it hits the ground. Physics for citrus fruits.

14. When life gives you lemons, make a flamethrower from the peel and torch a sh*tty movie poster. I'd do it with G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra--sh*ttiest movie ever made.

15. When life gives you lemons, smile. Don't say why, just smile. Just to piss Life off.

16. When life gives you lemons, pretend to play "hot potato" with yourself with one of them until everyone is looking at you strangely. Then scream at the top of your lungs, waving your arms around: "IT'S TOO HOT!!!!!" And walk away casually thereafter like nothing happened, leaving a lemon on the ground and a bunch of stunned onlookers trying to figure out what the f*ck they just witnessed.

17. When life gives you lemons, make some lemonade, put the lemonade in a flask, go to a middle school dance in your creepiest trench-coat-unshaven-face-sunglasses-at-night-and-fedora getup possible, and pretend you're spiking the punch. And when you are accosted by angry chaperones, say, "It's just lemonade! I swear to God! Try it!"

18. When life gives you lemons, tickle Life until it sh*ts itself from laughter. Payback is a sweet b*tch.

19. When life gives you lemons, say sarcastically, "It's not even my birthday! Thank you!" And then start pelting life with the lemons.

20. When life gives you lemons, figure out a better way to end this phrase than "make lemonade".

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  • User Comments: [1]
    You're welcome. rolleyes C'mon, not even a hat-tip? Girl I thought we were closer than that. I tracked this sh*t down for you. Like, really.

    When you talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia.

    Mel Brooks
    Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open manhole and die.
    comment Red the Alien · Community Member · Fri Jan 31, 2014 @ 08:27pm
    User Comments: [1]

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