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Ryo's Travels
My life & journey through MY eyes.
New Years in Tears

This New Years, was quite bittersweet. sweatdrop

I worked Monday over night. I got home around 8am, didn't really get to sleep until later, probably around 10 and I woke up at about 2:40pm.

Now, I know I had a dinner with Derrick at 6pm but I was so tired and felt like I had so many things to do. Now those so many things to do…I just wasn't sure what all it was but I know if I woke up at 2:40, watched anime, and maybe worked out and/or ate or something, and I had to start getting ready at around 4:30 to make it on time, doing anything else would eat my time up. Long story short, I was late to the event, but I made it there at 6:30pm so it wasn't too bad.

So, I had a 6pm reservation at the Walnut Street Supper Club with Derrick and Julius (his now fiancé). Derrick also invited Aaron, Steven, and Brooke (only Aaron showed up). Julius invited his two best friends and his sister. Now this is the event we have all been waiting for. Derrick already told us that this is when Julius would be proposing to Derrick to seal the engagement before their marriage in about a year. When Derrick first proposed the idea to me, I was a little against it and we had a long discussion about it at Starbucks one day. But regardless I told him I would support, and after meeting Julius I liked him a lot so I felt a lot better about it.

The dinner event was nice. I ordered Lobster Ravioli which was everything I needed at the time. I really wasn't trying to be too full since I expected to have sex later (which I didn't), so the amount was perfect….even though I wish it was more…it was so good cry . I must also say that I was under-dressed….but not horribly under-dressed to the point where I felt embarrassed, but I was so glad I didn't put on that hoodie that I thought I was going to throw on initially. I've never been to the Walnut Street Supper Club so I had no clue how upscale it was. Mostly everyone was in dress clothes and I had on a black tee with white letters on it, with my brown cardigan and dark blue skinnies with my black boots rofl I mean, I was two seconds away from wearing just a black shirt w/the cardi and that would've been better…. but whatever. Anyway, the event was nice….the Supper Club is known for it's live entertainment, where the servers singer jazz and show tunes hits and boy can they SANG.

As I've heard before, the Supper Club is where Julius and Derrick first met with a little help from Brooke back when Julius used to work there a few years ago. Julius went up to sing, invited Derrick up there so that he could sing to him…and at the end of his number he got down on one knee and proposed. I got it all on video. Everyone loved it and congratulated them….it was definitely a spectacle and I loved it. A young, black gay couple amongst all these white republicans. It was amazing….and now Derrick is the talk of the town….since no one knew Derrick was dating someone….and technically…he wasn't xp but that's another story lol rofl

Antiways, after the dinner I rode my bike back home and got my car and went to Derrick's place where we did a bit more drinking. Then I drove them to Aaron's boyfriend's house where the function was. I declined going to the function because I wanted to bring in the New Year with Rob.

I got over there around 11:40pm-ish and he pretty much told me to leave. He wasn't happy to see me, and he essentially told me to leave. I mean, I was used to him telling me to leave and kicking me out before….but all I had on my mind is spending our first new years together. I came all the way over to be with him and he told me to leave. I turned around and left….then sat on his porch…thought about it….and knocked on his door again. He told me to come in and I asked why I couldn't stay…..I really can't remember what happened but I ended up going in the kitchen…sitting in the corner and crying for the following 10-15 minutes into the New Year. I remember texting him before I got there saying that I'd be there in a few minutes and I just got the late reply text with him saying that "wasn't home yet" and I cried harder…because he clearly didn't want to be with me since he lied and said he wasn't home yet…when he clearly was.

He eventually came in and we talked it out. He always hates to see my cry, as I do him. He said that he was just used to spending New Years alone and why "all of I sudden" I wanted to spend it with him now. I had to explain to him that last year I was at work and the years before that I was in school. He went on to explain that he hates what he life has become, hates being gay, and hates everything that has happened. I told him I hate it too, I hate myself for letting everything happen, and that I hurt just like he does. I told him he doesn't realize what I go internally everyday and that he acts like he just doesn't care. That I know he's not mean, and that he doesn't do it to be mean but it still hurts when he does sh*t like that. We asked the age old question…..how can we work through this dysfunction if we keep hurting each other. Which is a good ass question…..#LoveWillLeadTheWay

We eventually drank some Pink Moscato Champagne and went to sleep. I did a double the next day but he did end up texting me saying that he is in love with him and he doesn't know how to show or act on it….that he will do better….and to bare with him. I told him that I'd hold on forever.

Seeing those texts meant a lot. He never admits when he's wrong and he's always the victim when I. Hurt. Too. He also bought me new sheets and a new comforter which was very nice of him. He was over here yesterday helping me put them on….he actually picked me up from work (I rode my bike and by the time I got off the snow made the roads crazy and I couldn't ride my bike home), bought me snacks, brought me home, and we watched a movie (Olympus Has Fallen), and had seeks smile . He left at around 2am after cleaning off his car. Love him heart

Lowkey, after all that I kind of feel like my resolution went down the drain. But I don't think I'll give up on it yet. As I said before, I was hesitant about making my resolution all about him because he can be really ungrateful, selfish, and mean.I see myself trying so hart to please him and be good…..and he still treating me like sh*t…bringing up every bad thing I've ever done…and not acknowledging the progress I've made, trying to keep in me back in that same negative place. But I figure if I can at least give him this year, I can focus on me a bit more next year.

Alas, I have a lot going on in the next few weeks.

First and foremost, I am beyond tired of working. I was supposed to pick up a third shift this week…but I'm just so tired of working…I just want to pay it. I left work two hours early today…Next week I should be getting $600 which would put my account at around $13-1400 for the PR trip. Not to mention I have this UNIQLO interview on Thursday that I still need to get ready for, and PR is the next Tuesday. The sad part is….as excited I am about the trip….I'm just not in the mood to travel for one….and two, I just don't feel like being bothered crying sweatdrop gonk stressed xd .

Marlon's gonna be super snatched since he has been working out everyday. Marlon's body is naturally super snatched so that + the gym will have him looking amaze balls while I look like :drama llama: <==== a fukkin llama. LOL! I've just been working too much to work out as much as I'd like…but I'll try my best xp

Also, the trip to Deep Creek Lake in February that Omar is putting together for 2/14-17. I…… want to go, for traveling purposes and for the new experience…but….I just feel like….they would IRK me to hell to be with them for that long. That and it may or may not be a couples thing. Initially when I talked to Rob about it on New Years day after all the tears, he was against it (of course). He was mad anti at the functions after all and according to him, they're too "gay". But after the apology text he said that he would go. I'm still on the fence, because if everyone else will be coupled up…it may be even more irking, but at the same time I don't want to have to worry about Rob fitting in and feeling comfortable.

The more I type about it….the more I actually want to go. The question is just whether or not I'll bring Rob. I think i'll be fine by myself, even if everyone else is coupled up….but I do still want to include him the things that I do. Maybe if we have a pre-trip dinner and we all go….it will give him a chance to get more acclimated with them. xp

Also, Rob is going to Detroit in late January. He said I can go, but….I would rather not. I can care less about a car show, and I've already determined that Rob+me+other people does not usually turn out too well. So…I might pay it, or I might not. We'll see wink

March is Rob's birthday so I'm not sure what he'll want to do. We still OUR Canada trip to do and I was thinking about a cruise, BUT I know I'll be broke by then so I might have to do a cruise for his 40th in 2015.

I also applied to go to the YBGLI Summit which takes place in ATL in April. Now, that's a LONG shot seeing as how I applied at the absolute LAST minute and I'd need them to pay for my airfare AND hotel. Tbh, black gay issues aren't necessarily for me, but I love to be informed and the networking potential seems legit so I said, why not?

So 2014 is already starting off to look pretty interesting I must say. Like I said, by June I gotta be doing better or at least on my way. By March I should be down to one job and all the while I'll be applying and searching for new opportunities. I'm excited for the possibilities…and I just need to pray that I stay on a good path.

I think that's it for now….Here's to 2014 being a great one 3nodding

Love & Blessings heart


Mood: Cool cool
Music: "Lead The Way" - Mariah Carey from Glitter
Music(2): "No Angel" - Beyonce from Beyonce
Music(3): "XO" - Beyonce from Beyonce
Music(4): "Pretty Hurts" - Beyonce from Beyonce
Music(5): "Gypsy" - Lady Gaga from ARTPOP

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