I've dreamt of him last week for three days straight. ...What do they mean?
11/26/2012 , 6:32 p.m.
This week I had dreamt of him non-stop. I see him when I close my eyes to go to sleep. I see him when my eyes are open in my day-dreams. Oh how I can't tell my feelings upon them. ...Am I mad? Sad? Frustrated? ...These questions rambles through my brain constantly. Though my heart yells "Miss" . This cause my heart to ache. Why? ...Simply because those old feelings are coming back as if it were yesterday.
The touch of those delicate arms around me. The sweet tenderness I can feel in his hug. The soothing sound of such voice comforting me from one of the worst anxiety attacks I've had so far. On that day I had officially fallen for him. Yes. I had feelings for him since the very day we met. Shy I was; but it was him out of everyone else who've helped break me out of my shell.
As I watched him grow with me; he became such a great man. I was proud in the things he was doing; though...fear swept through me of him being ahead of me. He was already two years older. In my mind the thought screamed , "No." but my heart cried "Please stay with me." I wished to of poured my love on him sooner. There were countless of times I've wished to say "I love you" over and over again as if it were the only words I knew to say.
I loved the "original" him. The fun-loving guy whom I fell hard for. The same man that stayed up with me laughing at bitter nothing till dawn. I came to realize that my heart still misses him. It misses him even though he had gave a bitter goodbye. There are times where I question if he loved me as well. I believe he silently did as I had also silently loved him. His final goodbye for me was his toe-curling touches when the stars were up in the sky. Those touches are what have kept the love locked and confirmed. His mind thought I was in a trance of slumber. ...How could I be when the man I love is showing affections in a way that made me want to cry.
The goodbye seems sweet, when it was actually bitter. The next time we had I felt ... invisible. Ignored. Walk through. A ghost. Heart broken. After that bitterly strong feeling; I wanted to put my hands over my ears and close my hands. I didn't want to believe that he was treating me so cold from a distance. I didn't want to believe that he was going so far away. It hurts to think. It hurts to breath. It hurts to see. ... Though; Now that I look back at that goodbye, it felt like it was a sign.
Within those touches spoke words. , "There are love, so beneath the moon I'll finally show you; but, ... this will be the last for it is my goodbye." Shut off any type of contact between us after the goodbye. Regret. So much regret to of done so. Knowing that he has gone to another hurts me. So I cut all of our connection. It wasn't as if he was going to contact such a f*cked person like me.
As months go by without contact or anything; dreams of him slowly began to come. Strangely those were the times where I could sleep soundly. Even if it were to be a sad dream of me chasing after him on some unknown planet. ...I loved him so much to the point I could never get mad, upset, or dissapointed in him. ... He "Was" one of my biggest weakness. My heart can never allow me to be upset with him in any way or form.
This dream was me walking into my room crying. I've no clue as to why I was shedding so much tears. But before I could sit on my bed, someone pulled me into an embrace rubbing my back soothingly. I had glanced up to see that it was him. The way he consoled me was like two years ago. I was going though a lot with my family while my father was away. I had walked off into the room and sat against the wall with my knees to my chest trying to stop crying. ... He was the only one who helped me calm down. Who held me. Who aloud me to cry to him. ...despite him going through his own problems.
I knew he was going through his own matters with his parent. I worried for him. I couldn't exactly see what he was going through sense I was raised by my aunt since day one. I wish I could hold him and tell him that things will be alright in return. Stop him from doing the things that's not him. ...Not the man I know. After the goodbye; where did the man I fell for go to? Will he forever haunt me in my dreams giving me these unknown signs? ...
They say the person you dream of repeatedly are the ones who misses you. ... Am I in his dreams?
When he left, he took all of me with him and left nothing but a blank canvas for me to start over with. Society splashes dark colors on me once it knew that I was abandoned. I was defenseless and clueless. I was sour minded with a weak heart because I wasn't prepared to be left behind, but at least have mercy and give me some type of reassurance. Tell me that I'm worth your time. ... Just don't leave me the mysteries of "What if?" "How come?" "Why did?" and "When Will 's?"
You're an agonizing person
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