I'm in.. incredible amounts of pain right now.
Words cannot describe the hurt and mistrust. I figured she was cybering someone on IMVU.. like, alright.. no big deal. It's e-sex.
Saw I had messages from her friend "Rikkful", haven't heard that name before.. got curious.
They've been planning to see eachother.. she wants to f*ck him, irl. She's done things on cam.. things she used to do for me. I feel like I'm nothing to her... she put on her cat ears.. went the whole 9 yards for him, apparently.
I used to think I was special.. she had only ever done that for me... I was .. mistaken. I don't know what I want to do right now. I'm so angry.. so conflicted. I'm incredibly f*cking hurt because .. she .. she should've told me. I didn't cheat on her, online or otherwise. The entire time we've dated... I've been loyal. I think we need a break... I think I need a break.
My heart is literally laying in a thousand pieces on the ground right now. It hurt so much I went numb from shock. I was a bit hurt at seeing her semi-cyber him.. treat him the way she used to treat me, online.. but reading "I want to play with you in rl.." that.. holy f*ck did that ever hurt.
Stuck the knife in my heart and f*cking twisted it.
I've been trying to be a good boyfriend.. I've been thinking the past few weeks about things Jennifer used to tell her ex's, "You didn't appreciate me when you had me, if you wanted me you should've tried harder to keep me", and it struck a chord with me.. I didn't want to lose chloe, so I wanted to make sure she knew I appreciated her and wanted her.. I wanted her to feel wanted/needed.
Now.. I just .. I don't know. I don't f*cking know. She's not home..she likely wont' be for hours.. and maybe that's a good thing. I need some time to cool off. I mad her a short video, but i almost couldn't talk because I hurt so much.
I was so happy last night because I discovered so much about myself through finding out what it really means to be introverted. I was finally figuring myself out.. and I was so f*cking happy. Is this karma... is this punishment for all the bad things I did over the years.. ?
She's doing what my mom did... my mom loved my dad, but she had a online boyfriend, (coincidentally, he was named Ricky.. Ricky.. Rikkful.. weird.) he was british.. and she used to talk about running away with him. She planned for so long to get out of here and be with him.. and now I stumble upon Chloe.. and I see this..
Is it my fault, I wonder.. it could be.. it's at the very least, partially my fault.. she's done sexual things on cam for him.. she's embarassed around him.. she likes him.
She had a notebook that said "I love jason so much".. it was incredibly f*cking recent.. I saw it months and months ago, but I never said anything.. because why would I? She can't help how she feels.. and ... I don't know.
I just don't.. f*cking know.
If she wanted to cyber.. if she wanted that e-attention.. I could've given it to her. I haven't cybered in years and years, and I had no intention of cybering any random girls.. but she's been with this guy for a while, it seems.
They're not dating, obviously.. but.. they do cyber. That much is very clear. It wouldn't bug me so much if she didn't plan on sneaking away from me to go on a trip to arizona to go f*ck him. :/
She was talking about going to Florida alone to visit her mom.. now I know better. If she wants to travel alone...? She'll likely be finding a way to go out there and be with him.
I won't stop her... It's not about being passive, it's not about breaking up with her. She's young, and never got to experiment and look around at what else was out there.
I'm wrong for her. I never cared about looking around and experimenting.. I only wanted to find someone to give all my love to.
It was foolish.. someone like me isn't -meant- to find someone to love. We are meant to grow old and alone.
The only reason she even stays with me is because she feels guilty about leaving me alone..
Chloe.. don't feel guilty about leaving me alone, alright? I have been deciding this for a long, long time. Being alone isn't depressing to someone like me.. it's peaceful. I could live on a island alone forever, and I'd never get lonely.. at the very worst, I'd get bored.
Don't stay with me out of pity... I'll start saving so I can help you be with your boy toy..
Everything makes a lot more sense now..
I want to leave Sabinal. I want to leave oh so badly. I don't know where to go. I don't know how to get started.. but I want to leave. I don't want to be here anymore.. I don't want to be around people I know. I want to throw away my identity and become someone else.
I want to be someone else with a new identity who doesn't have the problems I have.. who doesn't have the past I have. I have made many mistakes in my life.. and yet...? I regret nothing. It's all helped me to learn.. now I want to start over fresh, using my knowledge to avoid mistakes I made in the past.
There are probably other guys she's done this with.. probably many guys I don't know about. I don't care. I don't give a single f*ck.
Why bother, right? Why f*cking bother, lol.
Tell me, tell me, tell me the lies.
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