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happy
I hate myself. I know I've said this before, and im sure i thought i meant it. But the reality is I truly hate everything that I have become. To deal with the problems i had in jr high i blocked out a lot of memories. Memories of how i truly was, the reasons i was bullied and different. Because i was different. I used to think it was that i was better than everyone else. I took on the whole world at once and hated anyone that acted stupid. I can't say i was happy then, but i can say i was myself. My problem at the end of the day was that i had offended far too many people by standing up for my morals regardless of the consequence. I truly didnt care what people thought about me and i was truly myself. The one thing i swore tobmyself wass thatvi would never let myself become someone else or be influenced into changing who.i was. Now tjough... Now i cant even understand my thoughts. Im so serious, so technical, and all.i seem to care about is how i appear to others. I've stopped feeling. Its all fake. The only thing i truly feel is anger. Anger because i became the exact person i swore i would never become. And im scared. Truly scared. But i dont know how to feel.that anymore. I cant talk to anyone because i have no one left that could help.me through this. I cant find myself. Its buried so far down in this shell of rationality thay i cant even imagine doing something that isnt planned out. I dont remember what it was about me that was worth knowing. But i know i was once an interestinf enough person to be around truly real.people. And thats wy i hate this. I am so fake that i cant remember whats real. The real world has stripped away all of me. All.i have is a worthless husk that knows just enough about people to act like im okay. I am.so far from okay. But i cant do.anything to change it. The reality of it all.is that i will never be truly happy. And considering the type of person i have become i dont think i deserve to.be happy
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