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Another cold morning, but I've lost count of them. Another morning that I haven't slept enough, and I wake up to the same thoughts and feelings that I went to sleep with. This morning, my life began again. Yesterday morning, I was born, and last night I fell asleep and then this morning, I awoke to another new beginning. Yesterday, I achieved nothing. I can't even really remember what I did yesterday, because it's the same thing I did the day before, and the day before that. It's the same thing I'll do today, and tomorrow. I'll move through the places I frequent, and I'll lose myself in my own mind, and my thoughts will go to die in the same place they always do. My inspiration is in chains, my life is at a stalemate. I can't build to a better place, because my life begins again, every single day when I wake up. Yesterday is gone. Today is a waste of time... tomorrow is a sentence that I could do without. The people I know are worthless. The places I go are empty. The thoughts I have amount to nothing.
I can't find a way out. There's no visible route for change. I don't even belong to myself anymore... my thoughts are worthless. I have no purpose, and I have nothing to do. I have nothing to occupy my time, it's just wasted within these empty hours that I forget every new day. I wake up after hours of sleep... I don't feel refreshed. I don't feel ready to face another day. I feel empty, and tired. I feel used up, and weak. All I can think about is the people who have left me behind. The people who are so much better than me. All I can think about is all the people who have seen me at my worst, and how they'll never forget it. All I can do is avoid all of the people I know, because not one of them is worth anything to me. I can't vent to them, I can't even mention what I feel. They can't understand, and they don't care to hear it anyway.
My days are wasted. I have imaginary conversations as a way to obtain surrogate closure that never puts my mind at ease. I dream of being things that I can never be. I dream of saying things that I'll never get to say. I dream of finding those people, and getting the opportunity to be the one to walk away. I dream so that I can stay sane... but every time I awaken from these dreams, it kills me just a bit more than it did before. The people I once knew have become these distant characters in my mind... I've had more imaginary conversations with them then real ones. I can't tell the real between the fake.
I'm too far gone. I feel so exhausted, but there is no repose that refreshes me. Sleep doesn't refresh me. Imaginary conversations, and situations don't refresh me, they just eat my insides up. I've had alot of dark thoughts, and now, I'm made out of those thoughts. Why are you the one who gets to walk away? Why am I the only one who ever gets left behind? Why am I the one who has to have imaginary conversations? Why am I the one who is dismantled every single new day, to have yesterday fade into an unknown number? All of those people... they've disappeared, or they left. I don't believe in fairy tales. I've stopped praying.
You left, and I never got over that. You walked away, after I made you promise to never disappear- and ever since then, there is no such thing as solid ground for me. I've tried to stop feeling altogether, but that's impossible. I've tried to brush the pain off, by calling it irrational, and I've tried to shrug and say that I'm unable to feel the pain... but I still feel sick when I think of your face, especially when I think of you and him together, in so many ways. So, I'll write about it on paper, for some reason. I'll continue to pretend to have that conversation that we never had, because you disappeared in the night. I'll continue to pretend... but every time I wake up in the real world, you'll be the one who walked away, and I'll still be the loser. The one who you never really even cared that much about.