Adam and I have hit a lot of bumps down this rocky road of long distance. He has started drinking and doing drugs and he has lied to me multiple times; even after he said he would stop and that he would never lie again. At this point, most people would give up, I'm sure. Most people would draw the line a mile back from where I am now. But I haven't drawn a line. I won't give up on this relationship because I think there is something more than just all of this surface stuff that is happening.
Now to most, lying, drinking and doing drugs isn't surface stuff, but for this relationship, it is. I think there is something deep and spiritual about us. It's such a strong bond that there isn't anything that could happen that would push me away from him. I say this to him all the time. I love you. No matter what. And I really do mean no matter what. There really isn't a thing that could make me give this up besides either or both of our deaths. And I know that's infuriating and silly and childish, but I really do love this man. And I know this isn't him. He has a lot of bad influences where he is and he can be easily swayed.
I don't help by putting unreasonable expectations on him. I've asked him to go sober before, but he can't do it. When he doesn't stay sober, he gets really disappointed in himself and burns his arms. If he didn't have my expectations lording over his head, maybe he wouldn't burn himself. I also have a lot of family troubles (going in the next journal) which I have been taking out on him. I also get really jealous of his friends. I want to be them and there with him, but I can't so I just get really jealous and hurt his feelings by being so upset. I just make him feel bad whenever I talk to him. I can't even understand why he would still want to be with me. I f*cking suck as a person. I really hate who I am. I am a mean and malicious person. I don't deserve him.
· Mon Dec 09, 2013 @ 07:39am · 0 Comments