------I placed a barrel of a gun in my mouth. I don't know why... Well before I continue on, I should start on how I found it first. I was looking for some batteries at my dad's place. I went to his workroom, It was dark because the lights were off except the desk lamp was on. It was like a scene from a movie, perhaps it was a sign. I didn't turn on the light. I walked towards his desk looking for batteries, I pulled open one of the drawer cabinets and I see this fancy case. My curiosity kicks in and I undo the latches. Inside was this shiny pretty revolver laying nicely on black foam along with six bullets which laid on the foam as well. I take out the gun gently. It was actually heavier than I expected for it to be. I feel on it with both of my hands, avoiding the trigger because I didn't know if it was loaded or not. I hold it and pointed towards the darkness.
------"Bang," I say in my head imagining a monster lurking within the shadows.
------I noticed there was this button on the side so I clicked on it. The place where you put the bullets opens up. It was empty. I looked at one of the bullets that was still on the case. A thought occurred to me... a thought where I should put a bullet in it. So I close the latch, cocked it, and placed my finger on the trigger. I placed a barrel of a gun in my mouth. I don't know why. At that moment I thought of nothing. my mind was empty like a clean sheet of paper or an empty canvas. I closed my eyes.
------Then thoughts rushed in, like graphite or paint it stained and colored the paper. Memories rushed in, maybe this is what they meant about your whole life flashing before your eyes. I remembered the happy things, but I also remembered the dark things. I remembered dreams and nightmares. I remembered all the things that I hated in this world, my flaws, my weaknesses. But I also remembered the things I love and my strengths. I take a deep breath. As I remember more things got darker, like the colors get darker.
------"Should I end it here?" I ask myself. I pull the trigger.
------But no bang, if there was I wouldn't be writing this. I took a sigh of relief. I take out the bullet and placed everything back into the nice case it was in. This is not the first time I have tried to do such things to myself. I don't want to say kill myself because I don't think of it that way. I think of it more as a way to feel more alive, well probably because it didn't go off and this is a poor excuse to justify my actions. Maybe it was luck that made the bullet not spark and fly into my brain, some may say it's a sign that I'm not allowed to leave this world yet despite how cold and cruel it is. I get to live another day. But if it did go off, I wonder... I wonder...
------I'm writing this because it's really personal, and f*cked up. But I can't have it bottled up anymore... I don't really have any questions for you to comment below or anything. Sometimes I wonder if I'm sick or not and if I should go see a professional or something. But I'm a broke college student who don't have money for that. The future, well at least from my eyes is very dark. I should have enlisted in the army when I graduated, but that's another story. For now I'll finish this one right here.
Thanks for reading, this is Anikacy, Signing out.
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