So here I am, months in advance and on a fast downward spiral.
My mom and brother are fighting so much that I have to stay home as a buffer for those two. I get thrown in the middle of fights so I can do some damage control. My dad doesn't talk to me anymore. I talked to him for a few minutes yesterday and he didn't even tell me he loved me. He only talked to me for information about my mom. My brother specifically told me that he is only looking out for himself, so I have no help there. My mom only tells me she loves me when I help her with some project around the house. She only wants to talk about herself and her problems. She doesn't care about anyone else. There's three people that don't give a ******** about me.
My friends are all mad at me because I have so much going on around my house that I can't spend any time with them. When I try to talk to them about what is going on, they ignore me. There's four more people that don't give a ******** about me.
My boyfriend is in this weird self loathing funk that he can't get out of. He doesn't really have time to give a ******** about me. He has resorted to self harm and I feel awful about it. I feel like it's my fault and I can't do anything to help him.I spend a lot of my energy trying to take care of him and I don't have any left for me.
And then, of course, I don't give a ******** about me. I feel so worthless because I can't make anyone around me happy, no matter how hard I try. I'm always a disappointment. I have also resorted to self harm, unfortunately. I can't stop. I use tacks to make what I call "scritches" on my arm. I call them that to make it sound less bad, but I'm only kidding myself. I don't actually bleed because I'm too scared to make actual cuts in my skin. Anyone thinking about self harm, please don't do it. It's a very scary thing and a very scary place to be. It's hard to explain what happens. Everything in my brain is telling me to stop, but I just keep cutting. I can't stop. Even if I do, I always go right back. I don't know how to get out. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. All I see is ugly. I guess I'm in a self loathing funk too. I don't know how to get out. I feel like I'm drowning and people are just pushing me farther down. But rather than fighting, I let the weight of my own soul drag me into the dark.
· Mon Nov 25, 2013 @ 01:35am · 0 Comments