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I feel sick.
I feel sick and alone.
Even though I've spent the last few days surrounded by people.
I'm beginning to fear for the worst.
The worst thing that could possibly ever happen to me is happening.
The main thing beyond all things that keeps me going is fading.
I'm starting to lose interest in people.
Maybe it's my fault.
I've built up such a wall.
Nothing exciting can happen.
I'm not expecting it to.
Which means if it did I would be ecstatic.
What could happen though?
What in this great big world could happen that would make me interested?
I mean besides from the obviously illegal, but totally worth it experiments.
I've uhh done some wrong I'll say.
Forgive me for I have sinned.
I've done something to myself I'm completely proud of.
I enjoyed it.
I'll do it again sure.
Though sadly even I am becoming less interesting to myself.
The world is becoming gray.
As the color spreads and the world is filled with melancholy.
Even I may weep.
Naahh I'm just kidding.
Sounded poetic though right?
I've been researching people again.
Making things up in my head.
Trying to find a way to give people a spark again.
I mean, I need a reason to live here people.
If I lose interest in everyone.
Then everyone means nothing.
If they mean nothing I'll have no point in faking anymore.
If I have no point in faking anymore I'll stop keeping ties.
If I stop keeping ties, well that speaks for its self.
I wonder if this would make sense to anyone if I sat them down and talked.
I never speak about my feelings.
Lately I hardly even speak first.
I keep the conversation going.
Mostly because I figure if I let people stare long enough they'd see the deceit.
Of course I have been toying with the idea of being completely honest.
To see everyone's faces drop.
That would just be short lived fun.
Not real fun.
Not the stuff that made people really...
I can't come up with a way to explain my fascination with people.
Well it isn't all people.
Just most of them.
It's like explaining color to a blind person.
You just have to understand.
I'm sure there are others like me.
I'd love to meet some.
Where are all the serial killers, rapists, and sociopaths when you need them?
Someone to talk to.
Someone to spend my days with.
Someone who I can tell everything to.
Someone I can learn from daily.
Everyone teaches me things whether they realize it or not.
I've gotten good at picking up on things.
Well I guess I'm tooting my own horn here.
I don't really know how good I am.
There are a few moments when I feel like a person is looking beyond.
Seeing me for me.
Those moments are orgasmic.
I've only really had them with two people though.
Both girls.
One loves me.
The other does too I suppose in her own way.
I love one.
I seriously enjoy the company of the other.
I could possibly fall for her given enough time.
They both are busy people.
They both seem to understand.
They both bring smiles to my face.
However one was there first.
Though I guess honestly time was never much a factor for me.
I'm not weighing the options.
Neither of them are really options.
As I said I feel they've seen behind the facade.
I don't know how they feel.
I don't know how to bring it up.
This is why they both are so interesting to me.
I want them.
I want one more than the other sure.
I feel like I need one.
I feel like the other would be a bonus prize.
A guilty pleasure.
As if I felt guilt.