is it weird to like someone who doesnt want to feel that way? is it weird to become extremely fond of someone that you havent been around for a long time? i find it weird that its been about two years since the cruise and i still cant forget about you. honestly at the time you were one of the chillest, honest, caring, coolest people yet. to me you were this fun person that i didnt have to be careful about. you didnt judge me at all for the shenanigans i've done and u felt sorry when i took the blame for our idea when we tried 2 prank one of the club advisers. joe btw checked on me when i did get in trouble for it. i dont expect you to remember the things that had happened on the cruise. you thought i was the coolest person and tried to cheer me up back when i had my deviantart page and i posted how depressed and unnecessary i felt. its been two years, i wont blame anyone. i remember and retell them because even though they may have been bad; they were good memories to me.

i admit i was selfish of what i wanted from you. i was needy for attention or for you to talk to me. i wanted to have long conversations and deep thoughts about things. i wanted to be relied on for the advice that i could give. i wanted you to bug me as if we lived in the same town and we were the best of friends. it may have come up when i felt i lacked something as a friend because of where i lived. i dont know. i wanted to find a way to compensate for any time that you were happy, sad, depressed, whatever and showed it physically where u were. compensate for any time that u would have a hug, high five, whatever for.

even right now i doubt you'd ever read any of these. maybe a stupid idea entirely to continue any of these. i mean, i dont even know what your doing RIGHT NOW as i speak. i dont know WHO U ARE anymore. i dont know if you've changed as a person. i dont know you anymore. and yet i have this stupid hope that your the same chilled person i met 2 years ago. that your the type who did open her heart to anyone. i have some honest hope that when you read this or meet you again that you'd be the honest person i hope you still are

update as to how i am; um so far got these new glass's that coworkers described me as modern, older, trending, cool; being told that i have a physic close to a body builder (? which i find weird since it itsnt my goal at all but to just loose weight and make myself ninja like in terms of strength and whatnot); i have a new honda 2013 crv and i was rear ended last month. the other party has paid for the repairs im in therapy and i get 1000 about of benefits left for me 2 distribute to what i want; my girlfriend and i are 4 yrs strong.

honestly i feel like im living in a hell hole. i have a lot of benefits (new car, decent grades, good friends, income) but im always held down by my mom. omg she's a control freak and she doesnt admit. sure she's scared of loosing people but she she's lossing me and my dad just by how she acts. right now for her if u dont go how she wants u to she will make your life a living hell. there have been times where she said im not her son, my son wouldnt do this or that, my son would do this instead. and im thinking the ******** shes saying when she's never reasonable. i swear if i had the chance to move out and get out i wouldnt look back. she will throw away any advice anyone gives her if its advice to change how she's been living. she tells me that im fat when looking at my shirtless body proves nothing. im like ******** im more fit than she is and she calls me fat. ive lost weight and gained muscles. and yet she judges everything on her digital scale when how health and fat one is cannot be based on a scale telling how many pounds you weigh. i feel so insecure when it comes to anything about me because of her. i always doubt that im a good teacher even tho im told by parents their kids adore me, i doubt that im a good guy even though i have friends who accepts me, i doubt my efforts even though everyone else says im healthy for my body type. i really dont want to take this s**t anymore im like damn i dont know how she survived up till now with the number of people she's pissed to get here. im sorry for saying that but s**t i cant imagine why people like my mom when she's a terable mother. i even doubt that i'd be a good father if i ever had kids. i doubt that i do well in school only to relieve myself everytime i get a good score back. s**t if i get something like a good score moms like thats whats expected from me. she isnt concerned about my likes or dislikes. shes only concerned about trying to make reality reflect her imagination if that makes sense.

sorry for the rant. just needed to- vent out my problems. i have an insecurity problem and when im with friends im not afraid anymore.

still scares the s**t out of me that i want to see you again, hug you, whatever that comes up. i'll tell you one thing i'll freeze up when i see you before i'd know what to do next.

still missing you bud


PS. I love you