Today had been going decent, however something has been nagging at the back of my mind all day... Ever since I woke up I've been feeling out of it; anti-social to say the least. I didn't feel like talking to any of my friends today in the guild and I just felt like crying all day... I held my tears in all day and continued on with my day just trying to make it. I didn't even feel like doing RBGs, did one and f*cked up horribly in there. So after that I did some pet battles then decided I'd work on getting my legendary cloak, which I did manage to get to where you have to kill Nalak. But anyways, I've been snappy lately and I kinda have an idea now as to why, but still... I don't mean to be snappy with people, and I don't mean to take everything everyone says as it is pointed at me. =/ After doing BWD I got off WoW and decided I'd play some MineCraft... That's when it dawned on me of what was nagging me in the back of the head; I miss Ash... Chance is talking to me now, but Ash still hates me... I'm sitting there playing on the world we all played on together and I'm looking at the sakura trees and everything she made for both Chance and me and that's when I finally broke... I will never forgive myself for what I did to them... Chance may have forgiven me, but what I did was horrible and wrong and I don't blame Ash for not wanting to talk to me still... I've always hated myself and always hated being born into this world... I will always hate myself because I know deep down inside; I cannot ever do anything right... All I ever do is hurt people and push them away. I don't mean to in all honesty but it happens. No matter how hard I try to avoid it... I'll always f*ck up and drive those who I love and care about away. I wanna talk to my sister and tell her how sorry I really am, but I know she doesn't wanna speak to me and probably never will ever again, which I don't blame her. This is my fault this happened and I am nothing but a useless piece of sh*t that doesn't even deserve to walk this earth let alone breath the same air as everyone... All I have is to live with the pain and suffering, it is what I deserve for wronging the ones I love... I know Chance has forgiven me, which is more than I deserve... I love Chance to death and I'm just glad that at least one of two of my siblings who I hurt is talking to me again... Maybe there's SOME redemption for me? I highly doubt it, but it's all I have now... As I sit here, barely able to f*cking type because I am crying to hard and trying so hard to not wake mum up, I am shaking and contemplating on just ending it all... I'm tired of living and tired of always hurting those I love... Tired of always being a f*ck up... Just tired of it all... If I am gone I won't be able to hurt anyone anymore and I won't be able to f*ck everyone's lives over... I pray to the gods that I can just gather the strength to just end it all right now and leave this world behind and free everyone around me from my presence...
I'm so sorry for ever hurting you Ash... Hopefully soon you will be rid of me and you won't have me around to treat you so horribly... Asking for forgiveness is asking too much, this I know... If I do end it all tonight... And if you ever read this sis... Please know I loved you more than anything and I am so so so f*cking sorry I ever did that to you... I will always love you sis even if you hate my guts, I'll always love you sis... Maybe in another lifetime I will be able to get it right... Take care...
· Thu Nov 07, 2013 @ 02:42pm · 0 Comments