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The Words of Sutekh
Heed my words, mortal! I have much I wish to tell you. I bring you stories of the gods, as well as my divine words of wisdom. Listen well and heed me and you shall be rewarded in the next life. Ignore my words and your backside shall know my sandal.
The Tale of the Contempt Cactus
Heed me, mortal! A long time ago, I, Sutekh, travelled to the realm of man to survey of all that I rule. And as I stood along the banks of the Nile, a crocodile emerged from the river and crawled onto the shore. It looked me in the eye, a knowing look, and spoke these words unto me: 'Sup, niggah?'

I gave a nod to the beast and travelled off into the vast stretch of desert that lay before me. It was there that the god Thoth blazed past me in a great golden chariot. And as he ramped over a dune, his chariot did land upon the back of a desert snake, flattening it.

'Hit the flunkey, win a cookie!' he shouted, and it was then I noticed the bottle in the brown paper bag in his hand as his chariot swerved across the sands. 'Skeet skeet skeet!' he yelled and he sped off. Being the god of deserts, I was understandably perturbed by Thoth's blatant disrespect for my property, as well as his failure to observe Ra's 'Drive Sober Or Get Pulled Over' decree.

It was then that the winds gently blew my attention to a small dune. As the breeze blew, it uncovered a small cactus in the sands. I decided then that this cactus would be the instrument of my retribution. I took it, and travelled back to the realm of the gods. Using my Was staff, I broke the back window of Thoth's palace and climbed in. It didn't take me long to discover the Lavatory of the Gods. Gently I placed the cactus into the toilet, just enough of it poking out of the bowl to offer Thoth an insight into my feelings of contempt for his actions when he sat. I hid behind the bejeweled shower curtain and awaited his arrival.

What happened next I had no way of foreseeing unless I'd paid closer attention and had actually cared enough earlier. When Thoth came running/stumbling into his palace, he made a zigzagging beeline for the bathroom. To my surprise, he fell to his knees and gave praise to the Great God of Porcelain, Bowl-Ho-Tep. Upon his first heave, he went face-first into the cactus. The cactus lodged it's needles into his lips and cheek, which sent him running in circles, screaming and vomiting everywhere. Startled, this caused me to start screaming as well, and I ran out of his palace. Panicked and looking for help, Thoth ran after me, screaming and vomiting.

When Ra saw me running and screaming, being pursued by the screaming puking Thoth, he took us both aside and gazed into us both, learning what had transpired.

And so it was that I was sent to forty-five minutes in the Timeout Chair of the Gods, and Thoth lost his chariot license and had to attend five mandatory AA meetings.

The lesson to be learned here, mortal, is: When crocodiles use the N word, it isn't racist.

Great Sutekh
Community Member
Great Sutekh
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  • [10/22/13 09:53pm]

  • User Comments: [3] [add]
    Community Member
    commentCommented on: Wed Feb 05, 2014 @ 07:42pm
    What crazy hi-jinks you lot get into! If only these had been properly documented through history. It's lucky you've stumbled onto Gaia to recount these tales for us.

    commentCommented on: Thu Feb 06, 2014 @ 07:05am
    User Image

    The time-out chair is a scary place...

    User Image

    Community Member
    Community Member
    commentCommented on: Sun Feb 16, 2014 @ 06:38am
    Oh Set-set, how I love thee~~ 4laugh
    all of your tales are great and full of humor, you really should tell them more often.

    User Comments: [3] [add]
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