I'm still reading this fat book but now I'm on Part Six out of Eight or Nine, 551 pages into the thing. The book is wonderful because I, personally, feel so completely her feelings. They do not need to state how she feels for I am surrounded by her being from the description of what is going on or how she reacts. I am filled with her state of being and I am torn. The book so accurately describes someone torn between what they know is right but what they need so well. Oh gods, it's magnificent. I may have felt a degree of what she goes through but no way has my experience been as immense or powerful. Gods, how powerful.

I cannot wait to rewatch the movie and fall in love all over again. I am waiting for the first rainy night with a fire. I need that to comfort my broken soul after the movie is done. It leaves you with this hole that eats you up in your sleep. You think the darkness is only a hole but it is not. It is a virus that will swallow your entire being until "you" completely cease to exist. It is the power of the movie and book.

The book might seem dangerous for me to read but I read these kinds of things all the time. It is part of how I work. I read about rape and the successful suicide attempts of others to numb myself a little more to the horror of it. I seek solace in their experiences, perhaps even some kind of medicinal quality. Some books I read to find a cure for how I feel or a companion to the horror of being me. Other times I read books to escape and inspire. Magic worlds that could exist if I only believed enough. And if I am special enough, they will reach into my dreams and affect my world.

Speaking of which, I am almost desperate to have another dream in this world of mine. I miss them. I think they are waiting on the first rain, bastards. Everything rests on this first rainy night, I tell you.

I will wake up early tomorrow so I can talk with Silleh, my lovah friend. I miss her terribly. Working on Mafia stuff lessens my sorrow a little and every time I see she has worked on it, I perk up. I get so excited when I complete things that I behave like a little girl or a fangirl. It's quite embarrassing. I love this storyline so much that I don't think it could ever get old. I don't mind waiting for her most days. Some days it tries my patience but then I remember that I have characters to develop. In my defense, I only have six characters left. Most of them are from Oceano, which is my weakest developed family. I was really fast with Sgoria, vampire family, and Romano, the demons. I eventually got into Lucchesta, even though that was a challenge, and Marcello was third easiest. I've also had a bit of trouble with Coppelia because of the underboss. Agh. He gives me trouble. I love him but I have no really good ideas for him? I mean the Dullahan has a cool story about how he was missing his steed then the mafia returned it to him in exchange for his services. He was going to be all "f*ck you" but then his severed head was missing. So now, he's f*cked. He cannot find his victims because the head was the one that directed him towards his victims. His motivation is to find his head or someone to track it down. He has a general badassery and is supposed to be unfamiliar with the "normal" human ways. That's why he's fun. And the fairy Helena, I love her! Adsfk. I'll make my next journal entry about the characters I love C; just for you, my lovely readers. Love you~