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"My pain, my pride. These scars are mine."~ Otep Shamaya
An Ode to Loss
My eyes began to bleed tonight.
On this, the eve of your departure.
Your violent discourse that has scarred me worse than any knife.
If only I'd known I could actually push you farther…

Even as I look at her with my blinded crimson eyes,
The new you. The replacement to the irreplaceable-
I know I can't fix myself by piling on lie on top of the mountain of lies.
Even though I know it can't be, I look at each as interchangeable.

But you see there was an avalanche,
And now the mountain is nothing more than a mound of snow
One due to melt away once the Sun comes out to play.
Is there truly no force which could stop my advance?
Have I finally let you go?
Can I finally put you to rest, and get on with my day?

The fizzing pop of my emotional derangement sent alarms all through the town,
And now there's no where I can go without seeing their judgmental frowns.
But you see my dear, darling, dark damsel- I've learned to control my ups and downs.
I abandoned the stage, and threw the makeup away, so now they've had to find a replacement clown.

Every day of this month holds a memory.
Each memory holds a moment.
Each moment holds a gem of blissful agony.
Each gem holds a second or two, in which I knew-
Exactly who I was before my irreverent atonement.

Now as I gaze into my eyes,
I no longer have to sift through lies.
I look in the mirror and see
A different me.
One who I don't wish daily to die.

I could not possibly move through
Everything that your death would do.
I kept hanging off the edge,
Begging to possess the weakness to jump from my ledge.
I will not allow you
To become another of the reasons that are more than few-
Of why I fell apart.
I tried to do everything I knew-
Tried to burn, drown, kill and bury my aching heart.
But the truth is that you're the only one who
No matter what Life puts me through
I'll always come back to you.
If I survived that, then I know that some day soon I'll feel brand new...
And I finally do.

Do you forgive me?
Would you forgive me?
Could you forgive me?
Have you forgiven me?

Maybe now that I've finally, truly cried,
I can live as though you never died.
Knowing that our love was true,
And even though you're through-
I will still see everyone else AND you on the other side.

Alucarda Incarnate
Community Member
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