I have been wondering a lot of things lately...I'm doing one of those things where I look at the stuff that happened in my past and wonder what the outcome would have been if it were different. I have been asking myself some questions like: Why am I so obsessed with love? Why am I so afraid of people leaving me? Why do I never feel good enough? Why am I so desperate to be married?
...and I have been thinking about some other things as well.
Nightmares have been plaguing me lately...first-time meetings that never happened are coming to life right before my eyes in sleep. The hatred...just the way things play out in such a dark manner with screaming, curses, tears, and then a gunshot.
I remember that, the reason I stayed on this website for so long was because I met someone here. I fell in love with someone here...or, at least...I thought I was in love. Anymore I begin to question what I really felt back then because of all the s**t that happened. While, for the longest time, I only thought about the good things that happened during that awkward relationship with Shinigami, nowadays I remember the fights that we had, the constant tears because one of us was always trying to break up with the other one. She always told me she was trying to dump so that I could be free and love other people closer to me. I was always trying to dump her because being with her made my life so complicated, and because she just did stupid and childish things that made me so angry.
It's funny...but sometimes I see that old relationship reflected in the one I have with Taz. Only, this time, I am the childish one doing stupid things for stupid reasons, the one getting sad over the dumbest things, and the person always paranoid with second thoughts----and Taz is the one that gets frustrated with having to deal with someone so much younger than herself when she has already gone through those phases and never wants to return to that time or age ever again.
...but I have gotten off track.
Anymore, this site holds nothing for me. While occasionally I make a friend or two, or go to the Forums to chat...I no longer role-play here, I no longer have anyone whose messages make my heart flutter. I don't save up gold because there is no one to buy gifts for or help them on their quests anymore. In fact, the only thing I have really kept on this site is a message....a very hateful message from a certain someone that reminds me just why I dont go looking for something that never even existed.
Either way...it does not keep my mind from being curious...it does not stop me from thinking that maybe it was just another bluff. It does not stop me from feeling so sad and torn every time I read it...but in a sense, it gives me new strength whenever I do, and my own hatred and anger is renewed.
It just goes to show that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to other people, and especially when it comes down to figuring out myself.
But anymore...I dont need sites like these to comfort me. I am young, living in another Country, and experiencing things that a lot of people never get to see in their lifetimes. I am in the position to go on endless adventures with the one I love, to be here in this place with the woman that truly holds my heart, and that I get to cuddle at night so that the nightmares stay away.
I am having adventures and creating stories that one day I can tell my children, and then tell my grand-children.
...and with all this said...
...I still cannot stop wondering....
Ah...the troubles of a broken mind such as mine.
ElementGold Community Member 
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