Not a night goes by that I don't stay up thinking about you. Not a day goes by that I don't look at your picture and cry. But you've moved on, are living your life, while I'm stuck in the same old rut I've always been in, full of unachievable dreams and nonexistent goals. Maybe one day that'll change, but the sad truth is I don't want it to. While I crack down on my insecurities, you crack up at his hilarious jokes. While I sit down to type this, you stand up to go get ready for a party. That's how it is, and that's how it always will be. But what really hits hard is this one simple fact.....
You
Don't
Care.
I could sit here all day and all night for the next week, ranting and raving about how life isn't fair, ******** the world and everything sucks. But you won't ever hear me.
I could stand at your college doorstep, holding a picket sign that says "******** YOU AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU", but you'd never see me.
I could bust down your front door and tear at your skin like a tick feeding off it's hapless victim, draining the life essence from you forevermore, but you'd never feel me.
Because you simply don't care.
And that frightens me.
If I had a time machine, I would go back and make sure that I never made a mistake with you. That I took you to every party, bought you flowers and gave you every waking moment of my life, because you deserved it. But my selfish ways, my stupid fears and insecurities left me blind to the very truth that now haunts me like a virus, threatening to cause my collapse upon the street, crying out to the heavens one simple little word:
"Why?"
I will go on for the rest of my life asking myself this question, searching for an answer that simply doesn't exist. Pestering the world's scholars and diplomats, philosophers and psychiatrists, scientists and religious fanatics, and never find what I seek. And it will eat at me, destroy me from the inside out until it take a hold of what I hold most dear and crush them to dust, all in spite of my best efforts to prevent the calamity from occurring.
I am weak.
I will not apologize for who I am, like so many before me have done. I will not apologize for feeling the way I do, for without these feelings I would be nothing. I will, however, apologize for making the mistakes I did, just like the 100 apologies I've asked for, and the next 100 I'll ask for in the next year. Because I'll never be ale forgive myself, I search for forgiveness of others, so that I may have a small satisfaction.
There is nothing left to say. And honestly, why does it matter I say anything at all? I am an infinitesimal speck upon the face of this big blue world, even smaller when in comparison the Solar System, Galaxy, or Universe. My words fall on deaf ears. But I do have on lesson to pass on.
Hold on.
Hold onto the one who sits next to you in Biology Class, giggling at your stupid jokes and blushing furiously. To the one who calls you at night, to ask how your day was and tries to distract themselves while you whisper seductively in their ear. To the one who smiles radiantly whenever you're around, who's intoxicating aroma beacons for you to be closer, whose eyes stare straight into your very soul and don't judge you on appearance, but character. Hold onto your love, for like me, you may lose it forever.
You
Don't
Care.
I could sit here all day and all night for the next week, ranting and raving about how life isn't fair, ******** the world and everything sucks. But you won't ever hear me.
I could stand at your college doorstep, holding a picket sign that says "******** YOU AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU", but you'd never see me.
I could bust down your front door and tear at your skin like a tick feeding off it's hapless victim, draining the life essence from you forevermore, but you'd never feel me.
Because you simply don't care.
And that frightens me.
If I had a time machine, I would go back and make sure that I never made a mistake with you. That I took you to every party, bought you flowers and gave you every waking moment of my life, because you deserved it. But my selfish ways, my stupid fears and insecurities left me blind to the very truth that now haunts me like a virus, threatening to cause my collapse upon the street, crying out to the heavens one simple little word:
"Why?"
I will go on for the rest of my life asking myself this question, searching for an answer that simply doesn't exist. Pestering the world's scholars and diplomats, philosophers and psychiatrists, scientists and religious fanatics, and never find what I seek. And it will eat at me, destroy me from the inside out until it take a hold of what I hold most dear and crush them to dust, all in spite of my best efforts to prevent the calamity from occurring.
I am weak.
I will not apologize for who I am, like so many before me have done. I will not apologize for feeling the way I do, for without these feelings I would be nothing. I will, however, apologize for making the mistakes I did, just like the 100 apologies I've asked for, and the next 100 I'll ask for in the next year. Because I'll never be ale forgive myself, I search for forgiveness of others, so that I may have a small satisfaction.
There is nothing left to say. And honestly, why does it matter I say anything at all? I am an infinitesimal speck upon the face of this big blue world, even smaller when in comparison the Solar System, Galaxy, or Universe. My words fall on deaf ears. But I do have on lesson to pass on.
Hold on.
Hold onto the one who sits next to you in Biology Class, giggling at your stupid jokes and blushing furiously. To the one who calls you at night, to ask how your day was and tries to distract themselves while you whisper seductively in their ear. To the one who smiles radiantly whenever you're around, who's intoxicating aroma beacons for you to be closer, whose eyes stare straight into your very soul and don't judge you on appearance, but character. Hold onto your love, for like me, you may lose it forever.
