I just got finished with my laundry.
I was going to go buy headphones, but I don't feel like it.
Xanax and Vicodin have taken over my mental life.
I don't mind it.
I haven't hallucinated in some time.
I also haven't been having panic attacks.
Except for yesterday night I suppose.
That was due to being in a hospital though.
God I hate those places.
I sleep a lot more now too.
However those are just drug induced comas technically.
I may never wake up one day.
Not that it matters.
I don't care anymore.
Life is so meaningless.
Things aren't what they used to be.
It may just be the drugs talking.
Emptiness was building me to the point of agony.
I was me but now he's gone.
I'm not making sense sure.
I still don't care.
I have a lot more fun now.
I can ponder the wasteland of my mind with no fear now.
No one but me can save myself but it's too late.
I'm addicted.
Why didn't I ask for this sh*t sooner?
I have been having even worse lower back pain.
I vomit a lot again too.
These could be signs of kidney failure.
Oh well.
It's just a game of what will fail me worse.
My kidneys or my liver!
I'd say liver since there is only one.
Place your bets!!!
I can't really remember what I did all day.
It's kind of a blur.
I guess it was nothing specific.
The day isn't even over yet so I might as well stop talking like it is. Typing...
My heart is beating rather rapidly lately.
It isn't steady just fast.
Which is better than it being slow and steady like it used to be.
I got so tired of being tired all the time.
Constantly yawning.
I still yawn a lot but not as much.
As long as I keep falling into these mini comas I should be fine.
Until I don't wake up.
I'd probably be better off.
"Oh there you go being negative again, why don't you try and be positive?"
If I died from an overdose my mother would save money?
"I suppose that's a positive, at least coming from you."
"She probably wouldn't burials are expensive these days."
Well throw me in the ocean or some sh*t, that's really not my problem.
"If it's your body life or death, wouldn't it be your problem?"
No not really my body would be a husk without life.
Even if it was my problem I couldn't fix it so who cares?
"Your mother would and everyone else who would attend your funeral."
I don't really think my mother would have a funeral or people would come.
Well maybe a few people but ehh whatever.
"What do you think would happen?"
People would pretend to care for a bit just long enough to go home.
"Are you really that cynical?"
Do you really care what I think?
"I care about results and the public, I don't think it wise to let you run free."
Sorry doc I can't be tied down.
"I think you can you wanted to be, what happened to that?"
You know what the f*ck happened.
"I know you were crushed tried to shrug it off and failed."
If that's how you want to put it.
"How would you put it?"
I suck at trying to kill myself and I have no dignity.
"What do you mean?"
I really don't want to talk about it.
"Why not, afraid you'll cry? Afraid to feel like a normal person?"
I'm not afraid of much anymore thanks to medicine.
Who knew the thing I hated would help me so much.
"You're running as always I see."
Running might not be the best way of putting it.
"How would you put it?"
A preemptive strike of sorts.
"What do you mean?"
I can't be crushed or tied down if I'm drugged, dead, or not there can I?
"So you'd rather not give other people the option of keeping you down."
No one is trying to keep my down I'm alone as always.
"You can't possible think that can you?"
Of course I can my life up to this point is complete proof.
I'm alone right now.
Questioning myself because I done with therapy on Wednesday.
I need more pills.