I have a lot of passion and determination and I know who I am but, at the same time, eg: if you don't believe I always have good intent, I'm ineffective and am restrained into a coward, who fears possibly destroying the one thing he always protects, your happiness. I don't want anyone to make sorrowful faces because of me. Misunderstandings are not anyone's fault. It's good when things are settled. But I want to prevent a misunderstanding in the first place. I've done all I can on my part by just being myself. I wonder what you see.
June 25, 2013
[In the beginning, I felt slightly different from anime Tamaki. I was also in denial about my paranoia. At first, he was a character I tried to be. Putting on an act isn't who I am. I'm honest. I can't be anyone but myself and I don't want to be anyone but myself. I can try being someone else, but it fails easily or it's unconvincing. It feels really awkward. I know I'm not the person so I can't correctly act like them lol* An act is an act - it's hollow and it clearly shows. I know this very well so I am Tamaki because he is "too similar" to me (quoted someone's opinion; thank you!). That way, I don't have to act or lie. I'm just me. Although we have different childhoods, we have the same feelings. (eg: about family, friends, ambitions)
In the beginning, I acted. I knew I'm not narcissistic so I had to play the part, which was fun and exaggerated, and be convincing. (suspending people's belief isn't lying) To be who you wanted me to be, I had to barely "lie" to myself ("I'm Tamaki" ) then to you for your happiness and the sake of roleplay. Tamaki is who you want, after all. It's easy for me to give him to you, but you must understand the personal strain.
I can't ignore the fact I wasn't born as Tamaki. I know my few differences that you must never know (don't let me know if you know) because I will ruin everything, my hard work, your fantasy/dream of me, the host club, and roleplaying ;; Regardless of our similarities, because I knew I wasn't born as Tamaki, I feel I'm unconvincing. It felt stronger when I acted like him in 2010 because I knew no one believed me. The paranoia doesn't exist when I simply am "him" without trying. I shouldn't have thought of this as a role and given myself stress, but acting is always first thought of as that. It was so important you believe me. Because if you do, that makes you happy, right? It is the start of everything* I feel most unconvincing in front of new guests
I put so much effort into a good performance to convince people before I can ever truly relax around them, knowing they finally 
believe me and I can stop straining myself to show you who "I" (Tamaki) am, that I am me. -rubs the back of his neck- I apparently worried my family about my mental stability, but I'm really fine. I know, and only take, what I can handle : D It's just... It's like credibility. What's the use of my 1000% all the time if no one believes I am a good person? (True, it might useless to do so much, especially all the time, but this is how I work) What I convey must be correctly received or it is injustice! 8o
When princesses mistake Tamaki for a pervert, when Haruhi misunderstands him, when Ranka-san unnecessarily hates him, when the twins mislabel him in front of people who will then misunderstand him, I know what that helplessness feels like 
The corner of woe helps to sulk all the sadness away then I will feel okay!
Ha ha, it's okay if people believe the false image, but there is a difference.
People have to actually understand, out of roleplay, what kind of person I am
(eg: I don't make excuses) if they believe the "lie" for comedy and roleplay purposes.
If guests truly believe our friends (the hosts and guests) who frame him, it's sad for Tamaki.
Then, we can't do anything to change your mind. We are doomed.
Our friends' words have more impact on you than mine.
And now you'll never know. I can leave it, but, for example,
if you think I'm a jerk, I can't let you continue feeling unnecessarily hurt.
I don't know why or how, but when I say something, it's easy for someone not to believe me again.
Unintentionally, I sound unconvincing in general for anything. You can understand why I try too hard.
Maybe they think "terrible liar" at the wrong time?
I naturally get into win-lose arguments and lose.
"I'm not like that!" "I'm like this," "I didn't!" It's become an automatic
impulse to explain myself afterward, which I prefer not to have |8o ;;
There is this unnecessary obsession over someone understanding me
because people usually misunderstand. It's something I'm prepared for.
The moment where you are absolutely convinced on what
you think you know about me or about my intentions, I lose.
I acted like my anime self in 2010, instead of using my similarities
(my chivalrousness, kindness, and manners) to my advantage,
because I knew...if I said "I'm similar to Tamaki," as the first thing you read,
no one would believe me.
][Then...
what do I do?
I have thought this though three years ago!!
...I had to convince you first.
You see, humans are natural skeptics.
They need proof.
There are so many new people each day.
Of course I'm not done yet.
However, the difficulty doesn't lie in me. I can try as much as I like
and for as long as I like! The opinion of "convincing" lies in my audience.
Can they believe me? After all, this can be my eternal job and I can have no progress.
-returns to earlier topic, misunderstanding me/my good intent-
...
Heh
It's not too terrible! As long as someone is willing to listen to me.
I'll be fine! : D
]
