So I guess there's no time like the present to start this thing.
Ever since my dad left, it feels like my brother, my mom and I have all been pinning ourselves against one another. I catch myself doing it and I can watch my brother and my mom do the same thing all the time. It creates this toxic atmosphere where we all can't talk to each other. I tried talking about it tonight, about how angry we've all been, but I guess my mom and brother have already talked about it because they didn't say a word and my brother gave my mom a look. Then later in the night my brother said to my mom "Remember what you told me, 'Don't poke the bear'". So that's what I am now. I'm the bear at the moment. I'm the fat, ugly, hairy, mean creature that everyone runs and screams from. They gossip like old ******** women about their own family member. I just want to drive something into my skin, but I know how bad of a habit that is and I can't get caught up in something like that. Like Adam says, deep breaths. So with tear clouded vision, I type on.
This isn't the only self harm thing I have thought about. I've been down the road of brusing and clawing, but never cutting. Not yet. I've also skipped right to suicide as well. Lying awake at night really amplifies these thoughts. One night, I thought of how simple it would be to just take all my birth control. All three packs. Then, I would go to sleep, and never wake up. I've also thought about jumping off a cliff or a building. How the rush of air would feel over my body. How weightless I would feel in the last 30 seconds or so of my life. And then it would be over. I'd be just another bloody mess on the pavement. Some poor sap that just couldn't make it. And then it would hit me that it was an option and I would get scared and call Adam and cry for an hour or so. I feel so God damn melodramatic. I'm a ridiculous ******** mess for no reason at all. I can't really put my finger on when this all started, and I don't know when it'll stop.
I think I'm going to call it a night and call Adam. I call him a lot as you can probably tell. He's honestly my sanctuary, my sanity. Without him, maybe I would be just another bloody mess on the pavement.
· Sun Aug 18, 2013 @ 06:24am · 0 Comments