Two entries in one day?
It's mostly because I never went to Office Depot like I wanted it to.
There's a bunch of reasons why.
I was playing video games.
I was reading.
My headphones broke.
I had therapy.
I didn't feel like spending money.
Those of course are just the excuses I give everyone.
In truth is it was because I was just hallucinating.
It's been all day.
A horrible day.
Ants are everywhere.
I tried to just keep to myself in my room.
My mom made me open the window though.
She had me keep my door open.
Today of all days.
Maybe it's my fault I'm not saying anything.
I feel empty inside.
Well that's not completely true.
I can feel the ants inside of me.
I could see them falling from the skies.
It's dark now though.
Now I'm scared to leave my room to go jogging.
I wont be able to see them landing anymore.
I'll have no choice but to blend it in with reality.
I know it isn't happening right now.
It can't be.
There just isn't this many ants inside my house.
How can there be I'm so clean.
Truth is I have been slacking a bit.
I did think I was going to die for awhile there.
My back hurts so much.
I keep pinching myself to try and wake up from whatever this is.
My therapist thought I was lying to him today.
I told him how I felt about Alejandra.
He doesn't think it's possible for me to just care about one person.
My reply was:
"Each word I told you could be no more the truth.
"I feel like I'm fading faster and everything is spinning right before my eyes."
"I keep thinking it'll stop but it only gets worse."
"It might be hard for you to understand but it's harder for me"
"I've accepted long ago I was nothing."
"When I turn eighteen I'm done."
What a f*cking shame I am.
I hate the fact that I may not even remember this in time.
Why can't I f*cking calm down.
I just realized it's f*cking Wednesday.
This is the thanks I get for cursing this f*cking day.
Like all things it bites me in the f*cking ass.
I end up completely alone.
Nothing has changed.
Nothing ever changes.
Every time I think it might.
I've said this before.
Maybe I really am insane.
Maybe I should check into those f*cking places.
All these f*cking images in my f*cking head.
Yet there is that selfish part of me that f*cking clings.
Maybe one day she'll tell me she hates me so I can kill myself without thinking.
I doubt it though.
I could always be wrong.
With her though I always seem to be right...
I think I'll drown myself in the ocean.
End up fish food.
Swim down as far as I can before I start swallowing water.
Until I see that bright light again.
Before I start dreaming again.
Maybe that time it wont be such a horrible f*cking dream.
Maybe that time it'll just be darkness, because I'd have nothing left.
Drown with me.
I can see a plane in the night sky..
I've been counting all these ants.
I'm at ten thousand.
This number is increasing exponentially.
I'm alone...
“…Tick-tock goes the clock

And all the years they fly

Tick-tock and all too soon

Your love will surely die…”