Things are changing. Everything has been practically the same for years now, and all at once everything is changing. I can't say that I mind. For so long I was unhappy. I missed having a best friend. I missed falling for someone. I missed having hope for something better then what I have. And though all this change isn't gonna be easy I think...or at least I hope....that in the end of it all, there will be someone wonderful. Friends, Family, Love and Happiness.

Let's do something I haven't in a long time. The pillars of life. Or what ever that use to be called. Family, Friends, Love, Health, Work.

We will start with Family I guess. Ever since my little brother died, things have been different with my family. We try to spend more time together, but for me at least, it is really painful to be in that house. There are too many memories, and they all come flooding back when I am there. Not to mention all my parents want to talk about IS my little brother. It's not really something I wanna be around when I am trying not to remember. My therapist put up this weird little mental block about that night, which seemed to help a lot for a while. But lately I feel like bits have been slipping through the cracks. I should really have her do that again. My older sister is having issues in her relationship, and I haven't talked to my older brother in months but that's not really that uncommon. I am really thankful that my parents are here for me when I need them though. I know I have somewhere to go if I really need to, and that is nice. Even though I know if I end up going back there, it will be the end of me.

Friends...hmmm. Well it turns out I haven't really seen many of my best friends in months. Since I tried to kill myself really. I hadn't even realized I was distancing myself from people until, my friends in the salon confronted me about avoiding them the other day. So I texted L and her as well as Panda are coming over for a drunken night together this weekend. I am really looking forward to it. I really need to get out more and be with my friends, but we are all so busy all the time and have lives on different tracks. But I know friends like L and I are gonna be here for eachother forever.

Health, well that's not so great. My crohns has been really weird lately. And extremely painful. It keeps jumping back and forth between two kinds of awful and it won't seem to settle in a happy spot at all. I know a lot of it is because of all the stress though. Especially with all these medical bills from my incident. They have come from three different places now and I am so over whelmed. There is just no possible way I can be paying on three MASSIVE medical bills and live. I'm already barely making it by lately just trying to live. So all stress is really affecting my health. Good news is I'm still hot though right? Silver lining? lol

Work...that i something that is going really well. I love my job and I am really really good at it. We are about to be loosing one of my coworks that was more of a pain then anything and hire a new person. Which is kind of exciting and potentially scary at the same time. But hey! Change! Change is good I think. My book that I have been writing is currently at a stand still...sorta. I have been writing several short stories related to my books world. and I am compiling them into one small book. So it's not like I am not writing at all. Just not on my book.

LOVE....I hate this one. This has always been the one pillar that has tormented me. Even more so then my health. Pride and I seem to be doing ok. We are still living together, but things aren't weird. We are very slowly slipping into that best friend status, which is good cause I really need a best friend. It is a lot harder for Pride though, cause he has a lot of feelings for me still. It's easier for me cause I have viewed him as only my best friend for quite some time now. I can't even remember the last time I saw him as a lover. But if things keep going in the direction that they are, then I think everything will be fine. I will have my best friend and can keep living my life without dooming myself back to my parents.

Now....I guess I wouldn't be honest with you guys if I didn't talk about this guy I have been dating. It's the same one I said I wouldn't give a name in the last journal, cause I thought he wouldn't matter. But...I think I should give him a name. Hmmmm.....Barb. Like Barbarian.

So I've gone on nine dates with Barb so far. I started out dating I think 5 different guys, and slowly they have slipped away and now I am down to two. Though the second one is very close to not even having a chance cause he hasn't text me in a while. My point is, that Barb has been pretty great. I am going really really slow with him though. I am so afraid to fall for him cause of what happened with the affair. I don't wanna get played and hurt again. I don't think Barb has it in him to do that, but I still can't help thinking it. Everything has been very pure between the two of use. Very innocent. No sex, not even talks of sex. Just very old fashioned dates, with dinner and movies and walks by the river. I've even stayed at this place 3 times now, slept in his bed, and our clothes stayed on. Which is a little odd for me.

I know so very little about him though. And I am very slowly letting him know things about me. For example, I didn't tell him that Pride was my ex, just my roommate. And I felt like things are going in a more serious direction. So I went to tell him and I was so nervous. I don't know why, but I really don't wanna loose him. Anyway when I told Barb, he was like. "I know." He figured it out by the third date. Figures. Then he kissed me on the cheek and we went star gazing by the river, and he taught me some astronomy stuff. It's weird how cute and romantic he can be with out even planing to be.

This weekend I invited him out with L and Panda, as kind of like a friend test. I need to know if he can handle my world of crazy randomness. I think he will, or at least I really hope he will. Until now it's just been Barb and I. We've been in the cute little bubble of shy cuteness. I just hope everything turns out ok. I don't want to, but I think he is slowly stealing my heart, despite my best efforts to keep it locked up. I just really don't wanna get hurt again. I don't know if I could take another broken heart.