i caused this myself. i fear hes pulled away again. things were so close to being back to normal. he was talking to me. i f*cked up. i knew this was gonna happen, i should have said no. but i wanted to. i wanted to be next to him. and he didnt respond. then he asks me and it only hurts because i knew in my heart that it didnt mean anything. i am f*cking stupid that is why it hurt. i want to know whats going on in his head. i want him to give me that chance. the one i threw away. yet i dont desever a chance from all the lies, and who i am. i am pathetic, worthless. and in this story i dont desever to be happy. Nathan does though. yet here i am making things worse for him. i tried moving on though it was at my arms reach. i had convinced myself i told myself over and over and then that stupid text turned it all upside down. i feel broken. i gave him my heart and he still has it yet wont give me what i need to take it back. yet i have shattered him. i crippled him. the weight of this all is so heavy. i want it all to go away. it should have to be like this though. why cant i wake up from this dream. how long can i go on. its right the things i need, to do is move away seperate myself from him yet i cant. its now how it works. i have oblogations and i dont want him to be the one to leave either. because if he leaves then i cant follow. idk what i will do if he left. if he stays then i can keep tabs on him. a goal still in my reach yet in the back of my head to help satisfiy my sins. to give up who i am and fall into this sin. Nathan is my sin and i love him. i would spend the rest of my life with him.cast me out into this world alone. strike me down. for i am weak. and undeserving. this is what my heart feels. or is this just all an illusion. is my mind playing tricks on me. is none of this really here. was my feelings all just a lie. is this pain real. is any of this real. you promised you wouldnt hurt me and you have keep true to that. now its only me hurting me. both emotionally and physically. i guess this is what it means to be heartbroken. and i deserve it all. i deserve more. what i need is for it all to crush me down. i need to be put in my place. i dont deserve to be happy.