So. i haven't written one of these in a while. I decided to due to the fact i've almost been crying, why you may ask? I don't really know. I could name a lot of reasons why I could be crying but eh. Honestly i feel kinda emotionless right now. Yet super emotional i'm about to cry for no reason. Puberty? is that you ******** with my brains again? Jeez.
I feel like i'm straying. I don't know what to do about it. Maybe that's why i feel like crying. Do i find myself pathetic? Am i ashamed that i feel like giving up? Yes.
Do i think my feelings are justified? That i shouldn't need to deal with this crap? Yes.
Do i question the trust and reliability about everything And myself? Yes.
DO i know what to ******** do? No.
Whenever i get this terrible thoughts I somewhat realize there I don't need to do anything. If i did, i could end up regretting it terribly. Theres just nothing id rather change to. I cant see myself changing. (These sentences won't make any sense unless you know how my brain works.)

Anyways. I went to the anime expo and it was freaking crowded.. It sucks how i can barely handle crowds or people or anywhere that involves social interaction. My tensions just get higher. More stress to make sure i keep myself in check. Then again i'm a lot calmer too because i usually can keep myself in check. But after i eat something, anything goes. When i get nervous my stomach hurts and i feel like vomiting. So after we ate in the Expo and was about to go walk around the booths.
My god there were so many people there eating their food. I felt like i was suffocating in people and the smell of food so naturally i started to gag. But this was a place filled with people and i could barely move around. I had no where to run, i didn't know where the bathrooms were. I was panicking trying to stick with my group. Sorry for the image, i had to keep swallowing it down becuase i was not going to just up chuck on the floor or on someone, no way in hell.
So after a minute of almost vomiting I started to calm down. I got a minor headache from it all but it was fine. I held my ground. So i guess thats the secret to fixing that problem. Don't eat til i'm full and make sure i have no where to vomit.
Eugh. I really hope no one actually reads these. The only reason i keep it open to public is for me to feel open about how i feel. Incase anyone did read these, i hope i'm not grossing you out or simply annoying you with my ranting.
If i made it private than me and only me could read these, and then what would be the point? Its kinda like yelling out my feelings in a crowd vs yelling out my feelings in a black hole. If i yell into a black hole what i'm saying becomes pointless and unheard. Yelling in a crowd will make myself heard.. Maybe i'm secretly an attention whore deep down? It'd explain a lot. -shrug-