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Book of Nero
This is my journal. I am Nero! c:
I Feel Nothing Anymore
I see nothing in your eyes... and the more I see, the less I like.
I look at you, and I see a battery, with no mind. Moving forward, and moving higher, but with no conscience. Nothing is good enough... as you excel and progress, you don't seem to care. You don't seem to notice.
You're lucky. You're you... you're good. You have alot of potential. You can go far, and you know that. I look at you, and I drown in the vast oceans of nothingness that I see in your soul. You once had the drive, I saw it... you were chasing, weren't you? You were having a good time, looking at her back, while you chased and chased, until your leg muscles ripped apart, and you fell to the ground with a heart attack.
That summer... that music. That drive, that inspiration, knowing how good you are, just having something to reach for... it was the best time in your entire life. Without it, you would be lost, clinging to whatever is close enough to cling to, just to survive. Without it, you are lost, you are clinging to whatever is close enough to cling to, just to survive. You lost more than just someone... you lost your someone, you lost several. You lost your somewhere. You lost your something... somehow, you lost it all. You're defeated by it... there's no fairness in all that, but no one understands when you tell them that, so you stored it away inside, to let it rot and fester into another contained emotion, that weighs you down every single day.
You remember that certain somewhere. You remember, and you go there in your mind... that place in your mind. It's gone, not even ashes remain. The place where it all burned down... even that is no longer there. You don't even cry out. You don't even ask for help, you could never expect THEM to be able to fathom what you feel. You gave up on THEM long ago, they're like animals to your intelligence, they're like a mindless drunk to your emotions. Even the one you can count on most... even the sliver of the remainder of everything you once had, even that person can't begin to understand. You're alone, aren't you? There's no one else in the entire world that could ever even begin to get it... you're a diamond in the rough, trying it's best to wriggle out of the sea of filth you drown in. You lost it all... and you live alone in this pain. You better yourself, and better yourself, and you see the progress, but it never satisfies you... it's your imitation of life, it's your excuse.
I look at you, and I see you've given up, but I also see that you're so young, you have so much ahead of you... you wait for that, but you know it will always be the same, insipid loop. You see that, but you'll live until you die. I look at you, and I see you lost it all and gained nothing, and that you're crashing more and more every day, and there's no one around to understand what that's like. I look at you, and I see that you don't even look for someone who understands. You wouldn't even talk about it, would you? You would smile, and you would joke, and you would be the you that looks good. I look at you... and you look good. You look good on the outside, but only I can see further in. Further in, you're a wreck, and no one notices. You don't care that they don't notice... you don't even want them to notice.
I look at you, and I see that you're miserable. You're smart enough to know what misery means, and you feel it. I look at you, and you want dreams back. You want a good chase, at least it will be worth living... I look at you, and you have dreams and fantasies of giving up and fading into a gray state of alexithymia, and carelessness. I look at you, you feel nothing anymore. I look at you in the mirror.... I feel nothing anymore.

User Comments: [2] [add]
Captain Niel
Community Member
commentCommented on: Thu Jul 11, 2013 @ 10:06am
That was an intriguing read. Well worth my time, I love the diversity of yer journal entries mouse. Keep up thee good work lad! pirate

User Comments: [2] [add]
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