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Well, before we go off on my typical dark and depressing (and possibly ridiculous) issues I might as well take care of this first. I've noticed that people are actually reading these things, which kind of makes me worry seeing as the ones with the highest views had rather depressing titles... burning_eyes

Anyway! Thanks for those of you that bothered to read them (especially if you are my friends), I hope they gave you some sort of comedic relief or distracted you from you're own pity party. Either way works!

Now I'm not really sure how to go about this anymore. The person that I practically turn to whenever life decides to turn upside down and hail exploding bowling balls just recently joined Gaia and this was kind of my private ranting spot (from those I know in real life, this journal is as private as a dressing room with no walls or doors). It is the only place that I can saw what is on my mind whenever I feel that I've bothered him (I hate using she/he or it so we'll stick with "he" for conversation's sake) too much. My only solace is that he's still kind of clueless about navigating this site for the time being, so this will be practically nonexistent to him for the time being. pirate

My life since the last post has changed quite a bit and yet not at all. Friends that I have seen everyday are gone and those that are close to me I prefer to keep them at arms length so I can retreat into my shell whenever I want solitude. I have became more jaded in my outlook of life but I can still see all the wonder that it offers (however it feels even further away and bound in chains now). I've began to burn bridges that were toxic to me and am working on rebuilding others. My relatives (not the immediate family) have been even more intrusive and are less subtle in their dislike of my siblings and me because of their disapproval of my mother. I've become more tired, a little more worn, and a little more ready to want it to be over with. There's no way in hell I'm stopping now but when you realize you're own naivety one's perspective of the world seems to change a little. Suddenly it isn't about what you want to do as much as it is what you have to do. Perhaps this is what comes with the territory of being immature and growing up, I don't know. I don't think I ever will.

I want to cry more now.

Talking to people face to face suddenly became difficult to do. I can't seem to bring myself to be straight with them. By that I mean I'm now talking in circles, telling everything but not really giving any real information. I'm working to fix that but learned habits are hard to break.

I have also lost sight on what are my "good points." Jeeze I hate saying I don't know what's special about me and the whole "who am I?" identity crisis shin-ding but it is true, unfortunately. Again, I'm working on that.

That's not to say that it hasn't been all bad. There have been many wonderful things as well.

I have met so many different and wonderful people that I hope to still be friends with for a long time. They make this odd time bearable when my old friends are not readily at hand to help me out, typically during school and stuff.

My skills as a creative writer and as an artist have improved, not to the point where I think I am a master, I still have a long way to go to get there, but I am proud of myself.

Wow, thinking of all the happy things is a lot harder than it seemed. Funny how people can think of bad things easier than the good. Then again I have always been a glass half empty kind of person even though I try otherwise.

Does me staying up later count as a good thing? I'm not so sure but I do come up with some pretty weird stuff when it's late at night.

I believe that'll be it for now.

Enjoy the rest of your day/night!

Ellis