I ran out of painkillers.
I hope I can get more tomorrow.
A months worth of painkillers in about a week.
My liver is strong as f*ck.
But for how long?
Maybe this is part of the reason why I keep vomiting.
Oh well I guess.
I'm going again tomorrow.
Before the first time I was nervous, but excited.
Now I know what's going to happen.
It's going to hurt a lot.
Maybe even more this time.
I could follow you to the beginning just to relive the start
Maybe then we'd remember to slow down all of our favorite parts.
I've honestly never been so sad.
Lately I've just been in a lot of pain.
So much pain.
I've also been hallucinating a lot more now.
My dreams are mixing into my reality.
It's a good thing I haven't been having nightmares.
I might have just jinxed myself.
Oh well I guess....
Excuse me while I go vomit.
The vomit was pretty clear.
A painkiller came out.
I was tempted to swallow it again.
I don't know if I'm becoming a junkie or just desperate.
I'm freezing cold right now, I almost wish the burning would start.
Alejandra has continuously been in my dreams.
We're always on a date somewhere or doing something.
This time we were at the park.
I watched her ride the swings, she looked so happy.
She had a panic attack for some reason though.
I grabbed her and hugged her until she stopped shaking.
Then we started walking toward my house.
We argued over strawberry ice cream.
She hates it, and I love it.
She screamed and wiped her sweaty hands all over my face.
I laughed and called her a gross b*tch.
Then we met our adopted daughter from another dream of mine named Lilith.
I put her on my shoulders, and we kept walking.
Lilith loved strawberry ice cream too.
We saw a vendor guy and I bought her some.
The three of us sat down in front of some random house.
Alejandra told me she loved me.
I told her I loved her.
Lilith screamed out where's my kiss.
Alejandra and I kissed her cheeks.
We both told Lilith we loved her.
The three of us just sat there until it got dark.
We went back to the park and met Jessie and his girlfriend Phoenix.
The five of us sat around on the bleachers at the park.
We watched the soccer games.
Lilith was trying to play soccer with some other little kids.
Jessie bought everyone bacon wrapped hot dogs.
They were delicious.
Lilith fell, and I ran over to her.
I got bumps on my other shoulder.
I picked up Lilith and rocked her until she stopped crying.
I told them both I love you and I don't know what I'd do without you.
I kissed them both.
I woke up.
Dreams are so much better than reality.
It's too bad I've never been a fan of illusions.
They're beautiful distractions but that's all they are.
I try not to think too much about it.
If I did I don't think I could cope with reality.
Reality is a matter of perspective....
That's something I don't say as often as I used to.
The voices in my head have gotten louder.
Sleeping is becoming the best drug.
I will become truly miserable if my insomnia comes back worse.
Love is a tragedy.
Love is a disease.
Love is a learning experience.
Love is a wound.
Hate is strength.
Hate is forever.
Hate is a scar.
Hate is a cure.
I don't know where I'm going with this.
I'm just doing this so I can keep myself awake a bit longer.
Is it ironic to say I feel like death?
This is a long one..
And it goes on and on and on and on and f*ck it.
Nobody can ever live forever get over it I'm ready now..
There are a few days I can say were the greatest days of my life.
I can remember them so very clearly.
"I'm just a would've been could've been should've been never was and never will be."
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I can't control my anger any more
But you must understand
I've been away for a long long time
No one can save me cause I'm too far gone
I've been sitting here for an hour and a half.
The voices in my head are getting so loud.
It's getting hard to think clearly.
I'm covered in f*cking bugs!
At least I think...
I didn't want to sleep but goddamn...
I'm just getting to the breaking point...
Tomorrow it starts all over again..
Only it will be amplified most likely...
I need to eat a lot today...
If not I'll get really sick.
I know I'm just going to barf it up again tomorrow though..
I need some goddamn painkillers!!
I think I might be on the verge of a blackout.
Thr room is shking.
Dont ask aanf i wont tell
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