I found out today Orlando a friend of mine doesn't like the other side of me.
I guess the side he likes must be cool enough to ignore the other side.
I wasn't hurt by this, it's just something no one has actually said to my face.
It was actually kind of nice.
Now I know what to do, or at least what not to do in front of him.
It's so much easier when people tell me what they want from me.
I'm just so absolutely horrible at guessing.
I got a little buzzed today.
It was about two weeks or so since I had my last drink.
My first period was stressful, and my friend Karen had me spill my guts today.
After saying all my sh*t out loud I realized how unhappy I am.
I always knew I wasn't a very happy person on the inside but geez.
I don't know what to do right now.
Drinking gave me a headache which is something it didn't use to do.
So now I'm taking painkillers.
It's probably bad to mix these things, but thug life.
If I died now I wouldn't be missing much.
I'd miss Alex.
I might miss Christine.
I could see myself missing Karen.
I'd miss drinking.
That's about all I got going for me.
Life sucks, as always.
The pills are working.
My headache is going away.
It's like the haze is lifting.
One of these days I'm going to remember whatever it was I tried so hard to forget.
How I'm going to feel after this is something I cannot predict.
Most likely sad or angry.
If it's really horrible maybe even a little confused.
I'm older now and more f*cked up so maybe I'll laugh about it.
I don't know..
Today somewhere in Germany a little girl was raped.
She was strangled to death.
Her little girl vagina was ruptured by this guy's dick.
They found her with blood dripping out her pussy.
Second case of this in the past year.
Germany might have a serial rapist.
According to bestgore anyway.
Lots of people died in Africa.
Chopped off heads.
Usual stuff nothing new in the world of death.
Except for the guy who's stealing people's organs.
They believe he might be coming to America.
We could have a show on our hands.
I wonder if any political figures read this sh*t.
Maybe it's run by all the other f*cked up people in the world.
The drug addicts.
Who knows this type of stuff.
So many questions... no way to ask them.
Lift me up to the highest level, and let me know when I reach the clouds.
This doesn't sound so cool....
Whatever I never thought I was cool.
I just think I'm amazing.
Does this make sense?
I can be amazing without being cool.
It's all a matter of perspective.
Don't ask and I wont tell,
If I cry right now with no one to hear me will I make a sound?
No I wont because I cry silently.
Well besides the sniffling but that comes after.
The sun is setting.
The night is slowly advancing upon me.
I'm alone like always.
I'm doing nothing...
I'm just typing what pops in my head.
I haven't been writing in my diary lately.
My therapist is disappointed.
Maybe I should put this in there.
It would take up a lot of pages.
I want it to last a long time.
My therapist wants progress.
I want to remember things.
I want to remember things about Alex.
I want to remember more about my childhood than the bad things.
I want to remember what it feels like to like more things compared to hate.
I've got love down.
I remember she told me she loved me once.
Though it was just friends.
Maybe I should just keep it that way.
I can't take more heart break.
The stress would probably kill me.
She'll blame herself.
Who am I thinking more about here me or her.
I don't know.
I really want to hold her though.
If I could be Dorian Grey I would be.
It would make giving her up easier.
Immortality is a long time.
If there was no chance of death I could literally drink away the pain.
No chance of dying and making her sad.
I'm sure she would be.
I could be wrong though.
This is going to be another long entry, but oh well.
It's been going on for about 20 minutes now.
Mostly me just staring at the screen.
i]Oh how cruel for me to know it's breath will take beauty away.
If I stayed young and the picture turned old.
For that I would give everything.
When our eyes first met I should have left the room.
Oh I was growing cold and pale.
Fatality.. the pictures a mirror...but to who...does it....belong.
Dorian Grey sh*t...
Totally ear sex.
I'm coughing up blood again.
It doesn't happen as much anymore.
It burns more now.
The taste is something I've grown used to.
I'm talking to Alex now..
I don't know how to say what I am feeling.
I'm sure I could try, but I just don't know.
The whole relationship with her is confusing.
But I love it in a way I'm glad I have it.
Something worth living for.
Maybe I put too much sh*t on one person.
I just don't have much else though..
We took a walk that night, but it wasn't the same
We had a fight on the promenade out in the rain
She said she loved me, but she had somewhere to go
She couldn't scream while I held I close
I swore I'd never let her go
Do you know what song this is?
You f*cking better remember when you reread this you f*ck.
Remember who you are!!
Oh god I'm making myself sad.
f*ckin' Ice King....
I was hugged by Sara today.
It was the first time she's ever hugged me I think.
It was weird but nice.
I don't get hugged too often anymore.
If being alone singing to myself is my future.
I'm going to need a kidney transplant.
I'm B+ any takers?
I didn't really think so...
Typing to myself makes me feel less stupid than talking to myself.
I'm taking more pain killers...
I'm so done right now...
I think I've just experienced a mood swing..
I've been told this was going to be a side effect...
At least the stirring in my head is died down...
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