||You don't ******** understand
Oh my gosh gaia, it's seriously annoying, how you spend so much time listening to people,
and when it's your turn, no one listens. They hear. But they don't listen. They only want to hear,
so that they can give their input on your life. When that's not what you're asking for.
You can sit there, for hours listening to a friend, a parent, a sibling talk about their lives,
their issues what have you.Absolutely no feedback, no input, no suggestions, just the assurity that YOU
understand. And then when it comes to your chance, it's like noone respects that unspoken rule. I guess it's just assumed,
that I have no thoughts worth listening to, and that I am just this inexperienced, naive little boy.
** When in ******** fact, biiitcch, I know more and have experienced more than most ******** kids my age. And I understand
and accept things alot more easily ,no matter how horrible the truth can be. ***
But to them, I am just this boy who's thoughts need to be overlooked and who's words are just written of as stupid. So I write
to you gaia, and y'all mother ******** better listen, cause I aint ******** playing this time.
Woo... Get it together Kirmani... Sorry, just had to make that clear - keep reading.
School is closed, my time in my highschool/college is over. That's not the pressing matter though. The problem is, and has been for a while,
is that I am losing, the only guy I have ever seen as someone to invest in, whether in time, emotionally or intimately, even IF it wasn't reciprocated.
And yes, we can say that we're going to be friends outside of highschool, that we're going to stay close, that we're going to stay best friends, BUT WE'RE NOT.
It's already begun, and this paranoia of mine, doubled on with this severe depression that I am trying to battle, are perverting and violating my mind. Turning my thoughts
, emotions and feelings against the ones that I love . And I am tired, of people telling me that this is the "real world". Just because it's ******** real, doesn't mean
that it doesn't ******** hurt.It Doesn't mean that I won't be anxious, that I won't be nervous, that I won't be angry, restless, paranoid, depressed , disarrayed. And all these words
that I could think of off the top of my head , STILL DO NOT ******** describe how I feel. You can't describe how I'm feeling with just ******** words.
It's not about me not graduating. I don't give a flying ********, If I have 6/50 absences for her class- I don't like the b***h, I'm not going to go to her ******** class, sit down and have my
mood killed for the entire day, from this sour faced c**t. When i ******** stayed in that tuesday, I accepted that fact - I take responsibilities for my choices. I'm not bothered by it.
I'm not jealous of my friends, I'm happy for them. I'm happy they're models, they're dancers, they're athletes, they're artists - that they have interesting lives right now- I'm happy for them.
I love them, and I want them to pursue what makes them happy. I'm not jealous that some are going away to college and university or just away to live. My time will come, and I can wait patiently for it.
What I am deathly upset about, is that the only setting I had. Where I could physically show my admiration and appreciation to the only guy I cherished, is gone. . . (God now I'm crying..ugh) .
The only place I got to sit next time, physically hear him laugh, ramp with him , fight with him, Call him names, hug him. What ever. It's gone. I don't money, I can't take him out to eat.
I don't have a car - we can't go for drives, or anywhere ; no one wants to walk. I don't have fancy clothes, to go out with clubbing with, or dancing, or just to a fun open place. I don't have games,
where I can just invite him over and we can spend the day playing games. I don't have a nice, where I'd feel comfortable inviting him over to just have a fun time, watch movies, make food ; like all these things - I don't have any of them.
So others have stepped, to take my place.They're lively, macho, masculine . . . everything I'm not. And it urks me, because honestly, that was the one thing I felt proud about . That I was THE best friend. And now you're basically dangled above me,
like a star, I once felt was near - but then realized was so far away. With every new story that fill my unwilling ears, memories flood my mind. Memories that I love to remember, no matter how painful and poignant they are - they're mind and I want to keep them.
And it's not that I hate him the new guy, but now he's getting something - something I feel more deserving off, something I felt would've cheered me up, even just a bit. My depression opens thhe doors so the evil green spirit can come in.
Whispering to me, words of hate and of disgust. He doesn't deserve me thinking about him that way.He worked hard on his assignment, much more than I did, and he deserves it. But I can't maintain that thought for long. Because more spirits come,
spirits of self-pity and low self worth."Nothing good happens in my life,","You're worthless and useless to everyone, especially HIM." You can't stop your thoughts, they're there, and aren't going away, no matter with any distractions.
It's not as easy for me, as it is for him. He now has a new bestfriend, and a girlfriend. And I've lost both. People outside of the gay community do not ******** understand how gut wretchingly hard it is, to separate your love interests and friendships.
It becomes even harder, when the guy you're so madly inlove with is also your bestfriend. If any of his relationships status' changes so do yours. When he gets a girlfriend, you become just another obsessive trifling "hoe", who is just waiting for them to break up.
Just another one of those creeps, lurking in the darkness, who's intimate feelings now become COMPLETELY obsolete, as they have no part with him and his new relationship.
It's also like that with bestfriends. Any new friend he gets, becomes less time you guys spend together doing stuff you two like doing. Which means I lose the person I love, AND, the person I love being around. It's horrible, very very very heart breakingly horrible.
Yet no one seems to understand. Or maybe it's because not many people even truly support you.
I am depressed, because I have all these thoughts and feelings, burdening my mind . And I have no release, apart from writing. No one ******** understands, or atleast tries to, and the only person that I really wish would understand, and COULD understand . . . Is gone.
Anyway, back to studying Biology - Ima fail BUT, irdgaf.
· Tue May 28, 2013 @ 04:42am · 1 Comments