So, I don't know how to describe how I am feeling. The way I feel isn't easily describable. I feel numb. I feel broken. I feel incomplete. I feel lost. I feel confused.
My heart has been trying to protect itself from all the pain I'm feeling. My heart has been regrowing it's thorny vines. My heart has been hardening and growing cold.
I hear her saying, "This is what you wanted."
My soul and heart are urging me back inside my world. Back behind the great oak and iron doors where no one can find me. And I resist and endure the pain hoping this will all end waiting at the entrance to my world holding the doors open for her. Waiting.
Occasionally, jealously and anxiety run rampant inside my mind. It's awful the things that I imagine and think to the point I bring myself to my knees crying.
My madness is beckoning. I laugh at my own pain. I talk to myself. I pretend to talk to her.
I can't hold all this back much longer. So I'm giving in.
I'm going back into my world with my one faerie. The great doors are going to close and be bolted and chained.
I've never felt this way, ever. Not even the first time I had my heart broken. Not compared to anything or any grief or depression.
I try to imagine how she is feeling. I know she is feeling something too. I wish I could know.
I think we are both hurting. I think we are both falling. But separately. If only we could be together to kiss away the pain. It would make sense to me.
But no. We are both going back to the bad we use to have. Back to our covers that masked the pain. I hate it. And she thinks this is what I wanted ...
My world is gone, I was only the moon. I would give anything to take back all the bad and negative I did to her.
I wish she could forgive me. Out of all the lives I've saved and changed for the better her's was the most important to me. And it was also the one I ruined the most. I am ashamed. I had my perfect match. We both loved each other the same and that doesn't happen often. I hate myself.
I need to disappear for awhile, not that it'd make a difference.
· Tue May 21, 2013 @ 06:06am · 0 Comments