I don't know what's getting into me. They're so perfect. They've gone through so much, and they're still together. But here I am, supporting them from afar. At the same time, I sort of hope something mildly bad happens. I want to see how far those two will go to be together.
What am I doing?
I'm just sitting here, dozing over other couples, reading yaoi, oh man.. I'm back to my old life before I even knew it. I wonder why I keep checking up on them though.. I keep bringing myself back. And when I look at them, I somewhat know that I'm just lonely. I'm bringing up a new facade. I'm getting pissed easily. I'm becoming even more self-conscious, more aware of how I look.. I know. I don't let anyone get to me. I'm not letting it bring myself down. It's just that....
I can't stop comparing myself to others. Like, I EVEN COMPARE MYSELF TO BOYS. What's wrong with me? Why can't I keep it together?
I feel like crying. I don't even know what anymore. I just want someone to hug me...
But I don't know anyone well enough like that to hug. I always limit myself or draw a line when someone get's too close.
I push them away.
I'm also a little whore. I don't know who I like anymore. My heart beats for anyone that's hot. I can never tell if I'm in love or not. This becomes so difficult for me... I just want to hide away somewhere. Yet at the same time I want to be noticed... I want attention. But you can't tell what my true feelings are.
If you insult me, I'll take it. I don't deny it if it's true. At the same time, I get hurt. It doesn't impact me until later on. As this happens, I continue to soak myself in the comfort of the shadows. I hide behind other's when necessary, and I listen to my music. Heh, more screamo. Each and everyday, I listen to more of that. I don't pay attention to the names, if they scream, then it's good. For some reason, it calms me down.
One time after I had fought with my dad, I cried. So I went to my room, closed the door, and blasted the speakers with OM&M's Second and Sebring.
I want to be in peace... So much work to be done...
I used to use this from lyrics and stupid things, but now all I know is that i can use it for my frustrations, since I can't really trust anyone. Why not just pull up a chair and sit on it? I don't mind people reading my life. Go for it.